Sunrise Mountian

Mirror

Fire. The water streaming down , the warmth from it. I could feel the heat steaming and misting. It was cold at 5 am , my bones feeling like they are icicles ready to be snapped off.
I step from the shower , grabbing the towel from the hook. I dry off and proceed to wipe the foggy mirror, Staring once again into it. My self image , I could feel screams coming from inside of me. Pieces of my face were spotted , freckled and loose. Dark circles , and blemishes surrounding my dark brown/black eyes. I slightly turn sideways , observing my frame , the way my arms and legs curved wider than my stomach . I could hear those words , screaming back at me.
"Lose weight , you pig"
" Look her thighs rub together "
"I would date you if you weren't so pure "
" Eat more , you look sick "
" Don't you think you've ate enough 2 plates is a lot "

I've never really come to terms with it. For years I've dealt with eating disorders , on top of body image , and it all was glue together by depression. I did all sorts of things to drown the pain . I would read , write and even draw. My biggest release is self harm. The hurt would become so strong , that the only true release was physical pain. It was always a temporary release, never lasting .
Scars lined my body , arms , legs , and parts of my stomach . I wanted to cover them with tattoos. One tattoo would go straight down one side , patches of roses and tulips. Wrapping around my legs . The other would be a set of song lyrics from a few bands I listen to , the song title is "This is Gospel" by Panic at the disco" followed by "Knives and And pens" by Black veil brides " It would go down my leg , covering every scar , every bad memory.
I step back into reality and twist around to the clothes I picked out .
Saturday mornings were always beautiful. Wiccan's chose Saturdays because of Satan. We have claimed it as our day of the week , because it represents a day of peace and harmony.
I start to pack my Saturday bags with all the different books , many are for beginners but I mostly use herbal spells and stones . My lunch was packed , so I stuck it in the bottom of the 2nd bag and threw some ice packs in and zipped it up.
      Downtown about 10 miles , was a beautiful park named , Star-cross national park, . It was big with about 12 acres of jogging room , a dog park , and a kids play area . Lining it was a white picket fence . Across the sidewalk as you walk in , sat a beautiful bridge, and across was a miniature mountain. The sign with an arrow pointing stated " Sunrise Mountain " .
I release a small giggle, and realize that " This is the spot". For some reason i felt it pulling me. I could see birds flying above , and a small squirrel carrying a nut. I step across the bridge , the water flowing rapidly under it. Waves wash past , like the ocean.
     At the top are 2 beautiful trees , and a small sidewalk leading to an open area in the middle. A white dove perched on a large rock . He stared at me for a few minutes then flew off . My heart fluttered , and watched it leave me as I lay the blanket down.
     It was peaceful here, no loud sounds , not even the people below were echoing. It was as if the mountain was soundproof, sound bouncing off and returning to its owner.
      Setting up my crystals and stones I opened my bag of snacks and ate as I let the sage and lavender burn . The smoke , the smell relaxed me , to a point. I opened up the spell books and started working on them. I was still new to this part of new age .
      I finished up , cleaning my mess . I threw the burned stick into a bag for next time and layed Into the grass. I grabbed my book from my backpack and opened it . " The Great Gasby" a beautiful original. I had read it 3 times , once a year . The story was so intriguing and so aggravating . I read my most favorite line " I was within & without simultaneously enchanted and compelled by the inexhaustible variety of life " Life is such an annoying and Amazing thing. It pulls you all different places , kind've like a story in a book. A million places , characters and worlds. Life is a roller coaster , always changing . This like in the book , always makes me smile . It tells me that life can be good or bad , sometimes both at once.
      My phone buzzed. Setting my book mark into my saved page, I check the time. ( 5:30pm) ! I jump up and grab my things. Mom will be at the house any minute.
        I storm into my front door , it's so heavy it shakes the shutters on the house . I aggressively check the house , checking to see if it's clean. I dust every surface , and sweep the 3 main areas.
     Im washing the last few dishes when she knocks and steps in.
     Her shoes clanking loudly across the wood floors . The noise ringing in my ears like nails on a chalkboard. I scan her frame, it's only been 2 weeks, but she looked good ! Her outfit fitting tightly around her curves. Green her favorite color, forest green at that . I give her a wide smile , festering a hug.
     "Hi baby girl how are you doing?" She ask , concerned "
    " Mom , I'm doing great! My new job keeps me busy and I was able to do some mediation!" I smile "
      " That sound great , have you finished management school? , she asked as she turned her lips pressing together"
    " yea ! I passed with a 99% grade , i shutter, as I hear a slight creek"
      " I BROUGHT DINNER,Tony yells from the foyer by the door "
" Tony's here ? I ask "
" He wanted to check in on you , he's been worried since you hadn't called. "she looked worried too"
" I know but I kinda thought it would just be us. I say , as I turn to dry off the dishes "
I didn't want him here , surrounding my new place , my home. I was trying to move on , rekindle my happiness not put a damper on it . I cannot blame mom, if the things he done. She didn't know , I'd never told her . I knew she wouldn't believe now , she' never has. My dad was a liar so I was always compared to him. I turned to her , trying to muster up the words to say.
" So when do we see where you work? We are here for three days, we can come by the Monday before we leave ? "
" Well Mondays are busy , maybe Tuesday before you head out ? I smirk slightly "
She doesn't notice my remark , as she steps into the living room.
"Wow , where did you get this art work ? She gazes widely "
I step into view , " It was here when I moved in. I love them , they fit well with the brown/tan feeling. I stare as I admire the long table photo"
" This is a beautiful peace , these people look happy in this picture. Tony looks at me"
I turn towards the kitchen in pain , his eyes glazing , I felt my body twitch.
"I'm heading upstairs for bed, I holler from the middle of the stairs"
"Okay , sleep well , and drive safe, storms are coming in from the beachside, mom replies boldly "
" Y'all can choose any room you want, there's plenty, I say as I proceed into my room"
I wasn't truly tired , but I didn't want to be a part of that situation. As much as I knew I was wrong for this , I couldn't bare the pain of reliving the same memories I felt the room spin , circles atop my head . I barely catch myself on the bed, preventing a serious fall. I tumble on the bed, a sharp pain shooting up my spine to my skull. I grab a small bottle of Tylenol and a liquid death can from my mini refrigerator and take the medicine. I flipped all the lights off and curl into bed. The sheets soothing my cold skin. The warmth felt like clouds , like I was floating. I drifted to sleep slowly as my headache took about thirty five minutes before it eased.
I awoke to my six thirty am alarm ringing next to my ear , and my mom screaming that coffee and breakfast was done. I threw on a random blue hoodie as I stepped down the cold wooden stairs.
The smell of steamy cooked bacon , drizzles of syrup, and eggs being made inside a small skillet pan. Coffee beans being cooked in a pot , and a gallon of homemade orange juice sitting on the back counter. My mom smiles at me , and gestures me to grab a plate.
" Eggs are about done, just a few minutes , she says"
" smells delicious, did you go shopping last night ? I ask"
" well I saw you needed some things so Tony went around seven pm , Walmart was open till eleven thirty , so I sent him on a errand or two, she chuckled and returned to scraping the pan"
" thanks mom, I stand and hug her.
I grabbed a small tuber-ware filling it for lunch today. Mondays are busy , that's what Tassian says. I wave goodbye to mom and head out the door. I'm glad they're visiting but I cannot wait to be alone again.
I arrive ten minutes early, Tass ready setting up the buy 1 get 1 free comic sale. He does a slight head nod, and leads me into the office. He actually bought the tall shelves and organizational stuff I recommended.
" Oh wow thanks Tassian , this will make things go so much smoother ! He looks at me eyes flaring at me"
" I figured a suggestion was more of a need . They were 50% off . He smiles and walks toward the back wall of packed comics " If we can get these on the open shelves I know they'll sell, he continues, I am grateful for all the work you've done last week "
" I'm just happy to be apart of this beautiful business, and helping you sort through things. It helps my OCD , I giggle "
" well I'll leave you to it, I have a sign to hang , he waves bye"
I turn to the stack of paperwork , I decide the blue is all legal documents and red is for all checks cashed . Green is for money counts and yellow is for all employee information .
I stack those into the new filing cabinet and start organizing all the comics from A-z. About forty five minutes later, or so I thought I hear tass lock up the door.
I pull my phone out , the time said 6.00pm. I had been back there for 10 hours . I turned to look, all the floors cleared , almost all the boxes completely organized and gone through. Tass' desk cleaned off enough to set his computer up . I lean against the wall and take a long deep needed breath. I was done for today.
Tass stepped into the front of the hallway, admiring the work i'd accomplished. He was mesmerized and shocked in all the same sense. I turn to him directing him to where the files were . Each one labeled , he seemed very excited about this new system. I walked him through each comic , explaining that they each had Holmes . I obviously wasn't finished , I'd only made it to R when I realized the time and had stopped.
We locked up , set the alarm , my car was across the lot , so he offered to walk me across. We were silent for a few a while , then he spoke.
"So I wanted to ask if you were busy this Sunday night? "
" I'm sure I'm open , why? I respond cautiously "
" well my Church is having a small group worship and fellowship that night , it's from 5:30-8pm, I wanted to invite you , your new to town so I thought you could get out , meet some people. He smiled and let me walk first across the street "
" what's ... Church? I ask "
His face remained blank for a bit , trying to look for an explanation.
" we'll, it's a group of people , who follow a man named Jesus, and we get together we worship to music and dance and afterwards we eat. It's not like a big service just something for people to talk and get together and have fun. ...His voice nervous and shaky "
" I have heard about Jesus and he doesn't sound very nice , people say he is against satan , but I know Satan and he's helped me a lot .i reply , strutting faster across the sidewalk ."
" Well ,why don't you come and have fun , the food is always top tier,and the ladies are super welcoming . He insists with sweet doe eyes"
"Fine but I'm dressing casual, I smile , he returns a smile back"
I arrive home around seven fifteen, mom in the kitchen washing up supper dishes. I could smell pork and beans and meat loaf. My stomach flipped and growled as I removed the plate from the microwave and ate.
" How was work hon. She asks quietly"
" It was great I got so much done , and organized. I take another bite "
" That's great, she whispers."
" why are you so quiet mom, I ask concerned"
" We'll- Tony , ... he's ... she stuttered"
" MOM IS HE DRINKING, I yell"
" shhh , your gonna wake him up, she waves her hand"
" I DONT CARE HES IN MY HOUSE, ! I respond stomping up the stairs"
" Huney Stop! She blurts at me"
" TONY GET UP! I tell again "
" TONY GET UP NOW !!! I scream again "
" WHAT IM UP! he yells back "
" If your gonna be drunk , least you can do is do it at a bar! i aggressively command "
" Who do you think you are talking to young lady? He jumps off the bed finger in my face. "
" I am not a kid anymore, you are in my home ! I respond, shoving his finger away"
" Okay? And who got you through your college and classes? ME, you ungrateful little— he spattered off when mom appeared in the doorway "
" Go ahead , say it , don't stop on her account! Wanna tell her about your disgusting behavior? Your hands wandering? I blurt "
Part of me regretted it, but the rest of me knew that my mom would find out eventually I could no longer hide that pain and the feeling of his hands on my body. I no longer wanted to scrub my skin raw , because of the effects of what he had done to me for so long.
" What is she talking about? Mom says looking lost but uncertain of this outcome"
" TELL HER ! I demand"
" Michelle it's nothing, she's just an attention seeker. He smirks"
" TELL HER NOW!, I scream, voice burning "
" There's nothing to tell HUNEY, you're delusional. He turns to sit on the bed"
" So you don't want to tell her how , I'd cry , screaming because I was scared of the night and you would come in and " comfort me" but in all reality you were gliding your hands down my pants , touching me . Every night pushing further and further , you driving into me , hurting me. Tell her how you threatened me , with a gun, to kill me and our family . I responded no hesitation needed"
Shock flashed across their faces , pure terror and anger. My mom scared and confused, Tony looking as if he could jump on me and kill me there .
" Michelle , she's crazy , he responded " She hated me after you divorced her dad, he added "
" Right , because a 4 year old knows how to hate , how to do things like that ? I reply angerly"
" It's your fault, you the one who dressed so slutty, he blurted in rage"
" I was 4 Tony , and it didn't stop till I was 14, how is it my fault ? I asked "
" ENOUGH YALL 2, she screamed."
"Mom I'm sorry I didn't - I lost words to respond "
" TONY get out of, was all she said "
He stood there begging, pleading for forgiveness, asking for another chance.
Mom just shoved him away ignoring him and me.
I turned into the hallway , closing my door behind me . I silently sobbed myself to bed .