My mirror reveals my divot in my eyebrows and the tightness in my frame.
"that's not an emotion I'm capable of" replays over and over.
Love, the one thing I've done unconditionally for 17 years and she can't even stomach the idea of doing the same.
I'm not mad I'm hurt. Which is pathetic, I know but suddenly all my ideas of a future come crashing down, because while I'm praying she gets better, she's wishing on her own downfall. And how can I help someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Katie doesn't want to fall in love, she wants to fall deeper into her depression. And I only have access to the landing of one of them.
Cool water makes me shiver as I throw it over my face, washing away the small tears that betrayed my facade. And as I get myself ready in the small confines of my slate decorated bathroom I welcome the peace, because I know she's safe here and I don't have to panic. But I can also have other thoughts, more normal teenage ones. Like worrying about my next match or getting excited about an upcoming party.
I love Katie enough for the both of us, so much so it's a vital part of my being and when I'm not thinking about her I'm discovering the person I am without her. I'm not entirely sure if I like him, he's boyish and engages in questionable locker room conversations. My morality is the same but my personality is not.
A knock on the door wakes me from my trance, I know it's her but I can't face her yet, I need a few more seconds to put on my mask, to be the sunshine to her grumpy, the happy to her sad, the light to her darkness. Putting aside my own troubles and putting hers first because she will always be number one.
"Ol" she says through the door and when I don't respond she continues, "If I could love anyone it'd be you, in another universe maybe I do, but it's just not possible in this one"
After that soul crushing statement, I hear soft footsteps as Katie leaves my room, our bubble broken and life seeping in once more at the weak points.
So up I get, because wallowing isn't what I do, of course not, I put on a smile and play my part. ...
"You need a haircut son" my dad interrupts our conversation staring right at my hair.
He tends to do that, his ADHD making him zone out then come back to focus with a different train of thought. It's one of his best traits and a good save at some points when I'm desperate for a change in conversation.
"You as well old man, its bordering on man bun territory"
"I like it that way" my mam speaks up, kissing my dad's cheek and looking at him with green eyes full of love.
"You'd like it anyway mam, even if he was bald" I groan, pretending to be bored of their affection when really I love it, it proves love does come above everything, especially after what they've been through.
They're my role models, my greatest inspirations and I'm so lucky I get to call them mine.
"Bald may be pushing it" she says rolling her eyes sarcastically.
Katie sits silently, desperately avoiding looking at me when I can't stop looking at her, it's like my eyes are drawn to her in some magnetic force.
"Olly are you excited for the game this weekend?" my dad asks, once again new conversation.
"Can't wait, I've missed the pitch" I smile around a mouthful of cereal, my second breakfast after a bacon sandwich did nothing to placate my appetite.
"I'll be glad to see the back of you again, these weekends are too long" my mam says in sarcastic cheer, but I see the tears in her eyes.
"I'm in my last year of college, its serious now, a-levels, partying, all the good stuff" I wink at my mam who looks appalled while my dad smirks, I've never drank nor will I ever, doesn't interest me and I'm not risking falling into genetic habits.
"Oliver Oshae where did I go wrong" she sighs smiling, taking her plate with her.
Katie is still silent as my mother rounds her side of the table, squeezing her shoulder, passing a message between only them two, one I wish I was privy to.
"Probably somewhere between my first worst being shit and sending me to a fancy football academy where we all know I didn't fit in, was like something out of peaky blinders the way they all acted, hats and all" I groan at the memory, that place was weird as fuck.
"Be grateful, that cost us a pretty penny" my mother tsks, swatting me with a tea towel.
"Yeah yeah, thank you for sending me away for the summer to some wannabe Kevin Keegan, I loved it" I grin, teeth and all.
Katie finally makes a noise, laughing quietly and I watch my dad's eyes light up. He mightn't seem like it but he's the most loving person I know, the sort of guy to lie down across a puddle so my mam didn't get her feet wet, probably still would if she was wearing wellies. And though I'll always be his son, Katie is one of his own. He loves her immensely, not more than me of course but when he sees her come out of her shell or perk up more than normal his full demeanour brightens. I know he feels guilty for her childhood, they both do, but he carries the weight that bit more.
While Katie is close to my mam she's standoffish with my dad, I think men scare her in general but she's known me since I've been in nappies so I don't really play into the collective that most do. She definitely likes my dad but he's a big bloke and intimidating if you aren't used to it. So, while she grew up around him I think the idea that he could still be like her dad in theory scares her. Even when she logically knows he's not, the fear still sits idle on her mind. I can tell my dad knows, and I'm well aware of how much it hurts him but he also understands her despite her withdrawal from him, he still loves her anyway. We all love her but she can't quite seem to accept it or believe it.
Or reciprocate it.
