Then and Now

CHAPTER 2

#Naya Grace

"Can I read you a bedtime story tonight, my love?" I ask Tesla from the door of his room. He's sitting on his bed, playing with his tablet. I've just returned home today after checking my apartment at Uni. Classes will officially start in two weeks.

Looking up, he bits his lower lip, hesitation in his innocent eyes. It hurts to see that fear and indecision in his face whenever he looks at me, but again, I totally deserve it.

"Grandpa will read me a story later," he answers softly.

I nod. "Okay. How about tomorrow night, can I read you a story instead of grandpa?"

He stays silent, hesitant but finally nods. My heart almost burst out of happiness. He's finally agreed to let me read him a bedtime story! "Alright, tomorrow night then, my love. I'll read you a beautiful bedtime story, I promise."

"Okay..."

Smiling, I finally step in his room, but stop midway when he crawls back until his back hits the headboard.

"Please don't be scared of mommy," I beg, fighting my tears. "I'm not going to hurt you, my love. I would never hurt you."

Swallowing, he hugs his raised knees, his anxious eyes on me.

"I'm not going near you if you don't want me to, okay?" I smile gently to calm him down. "I just want to say goodnight. Can I kiss you goodnight?"

"I'm sorry," he whispers, untangling his arms from his knees.

Shaking my head quickly, "No, don't apologize, my love. You did nothing wrong. I understand. Mommy has been...acting strangely these past few months, but I'm all right now. You have nothing to be scared of."

Biting his lip, he just stares at me before, "Okay..."

"Can I come closer and sit on your bed?"

He hesitated but, "Okay..."

Walking slowly, I inch closer to him and sit at the side of his bed. He hugs his raised knees again, as though to protect himself, causing a twinge in my heart.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask softly.

"A little..."

"I understand why. I'm really sorry for everything I did, my love." For not talking to him for months, for ignoring his needs and feelings because I was too depressed to care about the world. "I didn't mean to ignore you, or hurt you. I promise. I love you so much."

Silence, then in a soft voice, "I know. Grandpa said you're just really sad that's why."

"Yes, that's right. But I'm okay now, my love. Can we start all over again?"

He stays quiet, thinking deeply before, "Okay..."

Tears stroll down my cheeks. "Thank you, my love. I promise, I won't let you down ever again."

He hesitates but untangles his arms from his knees at last, so he can move closer to me. His tiny fingers lift up to wipe my tears, causing more tears to fall. I miss his touch so much. Covering his hands on my cheeks, I kiss his palm tenderly.

"I miss you, my love. Can I hug you?"

He nods. Holding back my sob, I wrap my hands around him. At last, I'm hugging my son again. It feels wonderful but painful at the same time. He doesn't hug me in return, but at least he lets me hold him again.