Then and Now

CHAPTER 3

#Naya Grace

Tesla lets me read him a bedtime story tonight. He's sleepy after and I help him lie down, pulling his blanket up to his chest.

"Do you want me to play one of the lullabies your aunt Maya wrote and sang for you?" Those are his favorite lullabies but he doesn't listen to Maya's songs anymore after her death. Perhaps because hearing her voice reminds him of her death, but I don't want him to forget his aunt Maya. He used to love her voice, and everything about her. They were so close.

He stares at me with that strange look in his eyes before finally nodding. "Okay."

I smile. "Which song?"

"My favorite one."

The song Maya wrote for his first birthday. "All right." Reaching for his tablet, I search for the specific song and play it before setting the tablet back on the table. I lie beside him to watch him sleep.

"Close your eyes, my love, and sleep. Goodnight and sweet dreams."

"Goodnight," he whispers before shutting his eyes close. Time passes by, and I just lie there, watching him sleep until I feel satisfied. I turn off the song, and kiss him on the cheeks before finally heading to my own bed with a lighter heart. My son and I are moving forward. He's beginning to trust me again.

***

"Let's go have some fun. Remember this independent band I've told you about? They have a concert tomorrow night, and I bought two tickets. Tadahh!" Yara dramatically pulls out two tickets from her black skirt's side pocket, and wiggles them in the air. Tonight, she's dressed as a dark anime character—above the knee length black dress, black arm warmers, black stockings and boots. Her brown hair tied in two high pigtails. She joined us for dinner, and waited in my room as I put Tesla to sleep.

"I'm sorry, Yara, but I'm not in the mood for a concert. Believe me, I'll just ruin your fun. You should invite someone else," I say lazily, sitting on my bed in my pajamas, hugging my black pillow. "I just want to spend time with Tesla as much as I can. That's fun for me."

"Come on, just try it!" Yara walks over to my bed, and sits across from me. "I know you're finally trying to rebuild your relationship with Tesla even though you're still grieving over the loss of your sister, but you can't live like this forever, 'Bes. Try to do other fun things. It can help you, you know."

I sigh, fighting the irritation brewing in my chest. I don't want to talk about Maya's death. I don't even want to hear about it. "Just...let me be, Yara, okay? I'm trying but it's not easy to move on."

"I get that, I really do but—"

"No! You think you understand, but you really don't. How could you? You've never lost a loved one before. You're an only child, Yara. With both of your parents loving and supporting you. Your life's perfect!" I lash out, losing control over my emotions once again. I regret everything I've said, but damage has been done. My heart sinks, and I start hating myself all the more. My helpless and teary eyes search Yara's face, silently pleading for forgiveness. "I'm so sorry, Yara..."

Yara smiles even though she's clearly hurt. She may not show it, but I know I hurt her. And this is not the first time I did this to her. And it's disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself every time I hurt her. It doesn't matter that it's unintentional. "It's all right. I know you didn't mean what you said. Just...in case you change your mind about the concert, let me know, okay? Call me, or text me."

I just nod, leaning forward to hug her tightly. To show her how sorry I am, how grateful I am to have her as a friend. I'm so lucky I don't even deserve her. Yara hugs me back, patting my back gently as I silently cry in shame.