The Desire to Be

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A secret was something you didn’t want anyone to know. Sunghoon lived by this, which is why he didn’t ever talk about his own secret. If no one knew, no one could spread it. Because that was the other thing, Sunghoon was certain that if even one person were to know, eventually everyone else would. So, logically, Sunghoon kept this to himself; not even his parents were aware of the fact that he was an omega.

He didn’t get it at first, before he’d presented. His parents, both betas, always said that it would be ridiculous that he’d present as an omega; if he did, he’d be doomed. They used to say that if he were an omega, he wouldn’t be able to accomplish anything. It was later, as Sunghoon met more people, that he understood, at least partially, what they meant. It wasn’t that omegas were inherently worse than everyone else, but that him specifically as an omega wouldn’t be suitable. His parents had been able to see this from the start; Sunghoon was simply not apt to be an omega.

It had been hard, hiding his secondary gender from so many people. When he had presented, he thought it had been a mistake. There was no reason, no way, for him to be an omega. The more he grew, the more convinced he was about this fact. He posed as a beta his whole life, and he would continue to do so. No one even questioned it, which further proved to him that he was right; he wasn’t built to be an omega. He was tall, built muscle easily, everyone kept saying he looked cold. None of those were characteristics of an omega. So he did everything to pretend he wasn’t one. He bought scent blockers and neutralisers; he tried all kinds of pills to prevent his heats and cover any symptoms related to it. He built himself as the perfect beta. No one would ever suspect a thing.

For a while, he was fine. Mostly, he kept to himself and anyone he interacted with left believing he was a beta. Figure skating was pretty solitary, so he didn’t have to worry about it too much. As a trainee, well, it was a slightly different story. He was still awkward and socially reclusive enough that no one bat an eye at him for not wanting to be close to the others. Then I-Land happened, and he’d rather not think about it for long. It was exhausting and mentally draining. Having to come up with reasons and excuses for all his stuff wasn’t easy, but he managed. Once out, things got easier again, though not quite like before.

His biggest issue wasn't even their hectic schedule, but the room arrangement. He had no clue how he survived as long as he did, sharing one room with six other people, but he did. Honestly, he didn’t even think it was safe or sane to have all secondary genders sharing one room, but he couldn’t complain; literally, he wasn’t allowed. He also didn’t want to call too much attention to himself, as a beta he shouldn’t really be troubled.

Back round their debut, Jungwon and Riki hadn’t presented yet. They still had two omegas, Jake and Sunoo, and two alphas, Heeseung and Jay. Sunghoon was, of course, the group’s beta.

He still remembered how he felt, what he had thought, of each of the members when he first met them. Of course, none of these were things he would ever say out loud if he had a choice. If asked, he already had pre-formulated responses that came from the real thing, they just weren’t the entire truth.

For Riki and Jungwon, he hadn’t thought much about them at the time. Riki was young, but in no time Sunghoon realised he’d be an alpha. He was growing alarmingly fast, and he had the drive and short-temper of an alpha. That second quality was, most likely, more because he was a young kid under immense pressure than due to him potentially being an alpha. Jungwon, on the other hand, Sunghoon couldn’t help but marvel at. No one doubted he’d be an omega, it wasn’t even a question, but his personality was so strong Sunghoon was awed. Well, to be fair, most of them had to have somewhat strong or competitive personalities to be part of the idol industry.

Once they presented, it had been as surprising as a gift in a transparent box; they had all seen it coming. What Sunghoon did find surprising is that none of the alphas protested against Jungwon remaining the leader now that it was confirmed he was an omega. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, Jay was absolutely smitten with Jungwon and would do anything he said, while Heeseung was the softest alpha Sunghoon had ever met. Heeseung was so non-confrontational, Sunghoon had suspected it to be an act for a while. Riki was a freshly presented alpha who respected Jungwon for who he was and did not seem to care about secondary genders much. So, really, the fact that Sunghoon had been surprised at all was a bit laughable once he thought about it.