The Desire to Be

And so...

Sunghoon was back at avoiding Heeseung, though this time for a different reason. 

From the beginning of his acceptance process, he had known he’d eventually have to give up Heeseung. He’d known, but that didn’t mean he liked the idea. The worst part for him wasn’t even the fact that he’d stop spending heats with Heeseung —in all honesty, something they kept doing even though it hadn’t been necessary past the first one—, but the fact that he had to have that conversation with him. He had to go and tell Heeseung they didn’t need to continue spending his heats together because he could start taking suppressants again. Of course, he still had to have at least one heat a year, but now he should be able to handle them on his own, like the others did. 

But he didn’t want to.

If he could just find a reasonable excuse to keep doing it, Sunghoon wouldn’t be having this problem. But there was none. He could not come up with anything that could help him keep their arrangement going that wasn’t straight up confessing. And if you were to ask him, he didn’t think that was a great idea because Heeseung was very likely to decline. So, he was postponing talking to Heeseung at all to see if he could come up with anything useful. Maybe he’d be struck by an idea at a random moment and then he could go talk to Heeseung. Regardless, he started taking suppressants again. He’d told Jungwon about it just to keep everything out in the open and so he could be reminded of when he shouldn’t take them. He’d probably remember himself, but just in case.

He was confident that Heeseung would not approach him, he hadn’t done so before after all. With that assumption made, Sunghoon could easily escape any situation or possible conversation that would lead to him having to tell Heeseung about the end of their arrangement. Although he knew he was being extremely dumb and a coward, he still chose this over confronting Heeseung. He’d have to, eventually, because the time of his heat would be approaching and he’d show no symptoms. By then, he would not be able to avoid Heeseung any longer, but he trusted himself to come up with an excuse. It may not be a very logical or valid excuse, but still one that would be enough.

So he should be safe from the confrontation for at least a couple of months. Except, of course, that they wouldn’t let him be like that. And by “they” he meant Riki and Jay. He didn’t understand why these two alphas were so up in his case, but he wanted them far away from his stupid decisions.

The first to come and try to talk some sense into him had been Jay, and he couldn’t be sure it hadn’t been Jungwon’s doing.

“Sunghoon, you know I’m not one to beg for you,” Jay had started, and there was something there Sunghoon was choosing to ignore. “But please just talk to Heeseung-hyung, you are making him anxious.” 

“He’s got nothing to be anxious about,” Sunghoon played dumb, though maybe it wasn’t pretending in its entirety. 

“Right, so maybe tell him that,” Jay had responded sarcastically. “Listen, I don’t know what you are thinking, I’ll never know what you are thinking and sometimes I believe you don’t think at all, but Heeseung deserves better than this.”

Even if Sunghoon had wanted to complain at the insult thrown in the middle, he couldn’t really deny that Jay was right. Heeseung had been nothing but supportive and patient with him. He’d gone the extra mile just to make sure Sunghoon was comfortable and happy. Maybe he'd been spoiled too much, but he didn’t want to admit it.

“I know,” Sunghoon said, only partially acknowledging the situation at hand. “Which is why I will eventually talk to him.”

“Not eventually,” Jay groaned, obviously past his tolerance level for Sunghoon’s antics. “You better talk to him soon, and I mean in the next couple of hours.”