Salvation

Day one

When I woke up next I was still in the same coast line I was when I passed out. Immediate recognition of the plan presents itself to the forefront of my mind. I must keep moving. Stretching my limbs and gathering my strength I rise from the ground and continue the trek of walking in the direction I was headed before. The walk, while quiet, I used to think. The voice had spoke to me the first time telling me he who loves father and mother more than me is not worthy of me. And he who loves son and daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Those words have been bouncing around my mind since it happened. What does it mean. And why did the voice feel the need for me to know it? How can I love my mother and father more than the voice when I've never known my mother and father? I'm not a mother yet so that parts seems like it's not meant for me. Yet I can't wrap my brain around why I would love my parents more. Maybe a normal person would love their parents more than anything. Maybe a normal person would struggle with the idea of loving someone more than they love their parents. But I'm not normal. I've never had parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins or aunts and uncles. I'm a nobody on this planet with nobody. The presence of the voice feels closer somehow. Like it's right next to my skin. At the thought a prickle of awareness and a touch of static and I know what I feel is right. The voice said that it's always here. I guess in this moment it was right. "Accepting me is a choice, a commitment. To love someone over me is to put someone above me. Nothing is above me. I am the great I am. The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. So you see, he who loves mother and father more than me is not worthy of me." The voice whispers on the wind. Conviction settles in my heart at the voices words. I am guilty I see because even though I do not know my parents I have yearned for them more than I've ever yearned for.....God? I have walked this life cursing it for the lack of what I have. No family to love. No parents to cherish. But the voice is saying no one is above him so is he saying I should yearn for him? "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me shall never hunger and he who believes in me shall never thirst." The voice whispers again. And in my heart I feel a stirring. I feel love. Blossoming in tiny little branches stretching out. The voice of God is speaking to me and my soul seems to be delighted in it. But a darkness is stirring just the same as the love. Fear begins to restrict my throat and tears burn the back of my eyes. Sinking to my feet I break to tiny little pieces. My heart breaking over again because who is this God who claims to be the great I am? Why is he seeing me now? How can he have stood by so long and watched me suffer like I mattered so little? He speaks like I should know. Like I'm a precious little child he wishes to teach. I am not a child I am an adult. Guilt like I've never felt smashes my insides and makes me bend over and expel the contents of my empty stomach. As I lay doubled over purging my body of.. of what there is nothing in my body. So what am dispelling? "What you feel is conviction for your words. You walk with the son of God and by extension God himself. You have witnessed with your eyes and conscious being the power of God and his ever failing mercy. At one point in time you may have been ignorant of our father. But today you stand witness to the glory of God. And so I say for John truly baptized with water but you shall be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now." The power of God flashes before me and my soul seems to reach and flail for the presence of that power. He is right. In my kneeling position I clasp my hands and close my eyes. I begin to ask God for his forgiveness. His forgiveness for my unwillingness to comply to listen. I thank him for his mercy and I receive the word he has sent me. "God... I don't know how to do this. I've never prayed before. But I want to apologize. You are right I've witnessed more than many in just a day. I cannot deny what my eyes have seen, my ears have heard, and my would has felt. Forgive me God. I will do better. Thank you for your mercy for my life. Amen." I whisper. I push myself up off the ground and without another word I continue my walk.