Vent book :/

i feel

like such a bad friend i feel like i wasnt there for them enough and maybe if i talked to her more she wouldnt hv tried its js rlly hard bc shes one of my bsfs and she is so amazing and deserves the world and she tried and i wasnt there and i didnt answer my phone i could hv stopped her from trying (and js to clarify she is alive and getting the help she needs) and talked her out of it and when i went to go vist her i couldnt talk i psychically couldnt open my mouth and form words and i js feel so bad bc i js sat there i wish i said something i mean i wrote her a letter but she didnt read it til hours later and i hope she didnt feel like i was disappointed in her or anything i js feel rlly guilty i didnt answer my phone i couldnt hv checked my phone or anything and when i saw the text my whole life js shattered i mean she is quite literally the only friend i hv irl and even then i only got one other friend io js wish i was there and i cant stop myself from wondering what wouldve happend if she died i would hv no one i would hv lost my bsf i hate thinking abt it but my mind wont stop i js hate it and her family is blaming her and my sisters are justifying her family (my oldest sis is friends w my friends older sis) and idk i feel so lost w this ive gone thru this b4 w an online friend but i didnt know her irl so idk how to act bc i want to treat her like normal but i also want her to know i care and love her its js so hard idk what to do im lost