The Last of the Old Ones

Colin

Chapter Fifteen: Colin

Astrid and I walked Amber to her room first then I stopped in the hall outside the door and faced Astrid.

"You really like her, don't you?" Astrid asked bluntly with a sly grin on her face.

"I mean over the past four months of watching over her out there, then this past two weeks here...yes, I think I do... I've never felt this way before towards the girls here..." I trailed off, not mentioning out loud the number of girls I had taken to bed when I had the option to be more carefree, Astrid was my best friend, there wasn't anything she did not know about me. I left out the part where Dillon threw around the word "soulmate", I did not need Astrid making things weird. I had been trying really hard to bury how I felt but Astrid knew me better than that, could see the subtle changes in my behavior.

"It's so obvious! And she definitely likes you too!" She whisper- squealed. "Okay, tell her that something came up and your dad needed me so you two can go walk together." Astrid added.

"Are you sure?" I asked, "She's so happy to have a friend."

"I'm so sure! You need to tell her how you feel at some point Colin." She patted my back and skipped away to her room. Astrid had always had my back, but the girls here had never really peaked my interest, not to mention, I was the last of our kind before Amber, so I was always kind of expected to end up with her. Back then it was more of a business decision but now it felt like my choice because of how I felt with her. I started really getting into my own head, maybe I should tell her that we were expected to be together, but I did not want to scare her off. I actually really liked her, maybe I should tell her that part and forget the rest for now... I did not know what the best decision would be, what if she didn't feel the same and I just made a fool of myself, what if I was just a friend to her? Why was this so hard, I'd never had problems expressing my feelings; granted I had never felt ones like these before.

My palms began to sweat a little as I waited by Amber's door. She stepped out of the room wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a white tee shirt that hugged her body. Her hair was in a messy bun with little strand straggling here and there. She was so beautiful; I smiled at her and forgot my nerves for a minute. The pull I felt to her was more primal, beyond the nerves and fear of rejection.

"You ready?" I asked.

Amber smiled, "Astrid bail on us?" She asked.

"Yeah, unwillingly, she got called away to her research cave." I laughed, thanking Astrid silently.

"Well, we can't keep her from that." Amber laughed as we started down the hall to the door.

We walked down to the trails in the woods, we took a different way than the one that had the pond, and we ended up in a big clearing. Amber laid down in the grass and smiled at me.

"This will do." She said and patted the ground next to her.

We laid side by side and looked up at the sky.

"You know, it's so much less incredible when you know what used to be there." Amber blurted out.

"I never thought of it that way." I commented. "Do you miss it?" I wondered out loud.

"I do but not in the way you'd think." She began. "I miss my foster parents but in the sense that now I know they weren't my real parents and that I had parents who so desperately wanted to protect me and couldn't keep me close for that reason. I miss not knowing they were my foster parents, when they were the only ones I knew, I miss the ignorance of not knowing an earthshattering nuclear war took place and that people prayed for my birth. I know that sounds a little self-centered but that's not how I mean it. I understand that me being born meant hope for our people, but I wish that my existence wasn't a gift of hope, I wish people didn't expect greatness from me, knowing my parents, because I didn't grow up with that knowledge. I wish I could make a difference without those huge shoes to fill." I could tell Amber realized her words were contradictory and that they were not exactly the right ones to describe how she felt but I was glad she was sharing with me. She kept her eyes up at the sky as she spoke as if the universe could listen too. I watched her lips as the words flowed from them, watching the moonlight on her face.

"I could say I understand but the truth is, I don't think I ever could. But I will say, I am here for you." I told her as I leaned over to wipe the tear rolling down her cheek.

"You being here means more to me than you could ever know." Amber said with a sad smile, I reached my hand down and squeezed hers gently. Did she feel the sparks I did at even the slightest of touches? I noticed her begin to shiver.

"Hey, let's get you home. You look like you're freezing." I said softly, helping her to her feet, I wrapped my sweatshirt around her shoulders, and we walked slowly back the way we came.

"Colin, what do you see for your future? Is it running forever or is it war to beat the Blank Faces?" Amber blurted as we walked.

"It sounds so dismal when you put it that way, but I am expected to take my father's place so those are options. Rather than running though, I think I will face them sooner or later. I will continue to go wherever protection is needed as my family has done since I was a child." I said thoughtfully, focusing on the business aspect of my future. Now that Amber had come crashing back into my life, I couldn't see a future without her, but I didn't think that would be the right thing to say. My longing for her grew everyday but I let it stay unknown.

"Once upon a time, until I was about 8, you were still 4, you used to travel from place to place with us, your parents included. This is the only thing we have ever known. My father promised your parents, and our people, that they would never be left to fend for themselves, that no matter how the battle your parents endured ended, he would be there to keep their dream alive." I told her.

"Until I was four?" Amber asked, "Why can't I remember them at all?"

I directed her toward the bench we were passing with my hands on her shoulders.

"You should probably sit for this one." I sighed a soft sigh, knowing what I was about to say would probably upset her.

"Your parents made a medication to wipe your memory before you were transferred into foster care, that way you would have no knowledge of what you left behind or of who your parents were. They wanted to protect you in every way possible. They were doing what they thought was best at the time. They didn't want you getting curious of your foster parents or the new life you lived." I explained, gauging her change in emotions from her expressions, my thigh sided up against hers.

"I see," She said, "I wish for nothing more than that not to be true. I wish I could remember anything. Their faces, their voices, their laughs. I know nothing other than what I have been told." I could see her starting to break down as she spoke. The tears began to flow this time and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered repeatedly onto the top of her head as she cried into my chest.

"I did know them. I can't remember. I just want to remember." She cried. I shouldn't have said anything, but she did deserve to know the truth. That much I had decided, I would not pacify her like everyone had done her whole life.

I just sat and rubbed her back as she sobbed, there wasn't much else I could do, and I certainly wasn't leaving her. My heart wrenched with her pain, but she needed to be able to feel all these things and let them out.

We sat like that for quite a while, at least an hour. When her breathing and sobs finally calmed, we continued back to the house. I walked her to her room and waited outside until she had the door securely shut behind her.

I wished I could take her pain away but the best I could do is be there for her. I walked into my room, shutting the door behind myself, it felt wrong. I should be at her side, I should be holding her. I stripped myself of the days clothes and pulled on a fresh pair of boxers and flannel pajama pants then laid in bed. I stared at the ceiling just thinking about everything.