some - heejake

8

heeseung POV:

it's been 3 days.

3 days since I've last talked to jake.

i don't know why it took me so long to muster up the courage to apologize. 

maybe because every time i saw jake, he looked so... normal. 

like nothing had changed. he would still smile and nod when we passed each other, still say hello but that was it. 

no jokes, no lingering conversations, no small touches on my arm or his subtle small smiles, nothing.

it was like he was just... polite. 

and that made me feel worse.

i wanted to talk to him so badly, but every time i thought about it, the words just wouldn't come out. 

what could i even say? sorry that you found out about my past with jay and that i never thought to tell you? sorry that i didn't realize how it might hurt you? 

fuck this is so hard.

we were at the back of the school, right by the old vending machines that barely worked anymore. 

it was quieter there, no one really hanging around, and i figured if i was gonna do this, i didn't want an audience.

"hey," I called out to jake tapping his shoulder when he was walking with one of his friends who I didn't recognize, "can we talk please?"

he looked up at me, eyes wide for a moment before he nodded. "yeah, sure."

"you can go without me karin, i'll see you later." he waved to his friend.

he didn't sound upset. didn't even look it. and somehow, that made me feel even worse. i took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts.

"i'm sorry," i blurted out, and his eyebrows raised slightly.

 like he wasn't expecting me to just..say it like that.

 "i should've told you about jay. i shouldn't have let you find out from someone else, and i know it probably made you feel like i was hiding it. i didn't mean to, i swear. i just... didn't think it mattered anymore."

"heeseung..." he started, but i couldn't stop now. i had to get it all out.

"and i know that doesn't make it better. it was wrong, and i'm sorry. i didn't want to hurt you, but i guess i ended up doing that anyway, and i just... i'm sorry." i looked down at the ground, unable to meet his eyes.

there was a long, uncomfortable pause, and when i finally glanced up, jake was just... smiling. not the usual bright, happy-go-lucky smile, but something softer. almost sad.

"i get it," he said quietly, and my heart dropped. "you weren't trying to hurt me. but i think... i think you're not completely over jay."

"what? no, that's not—"

"it's okay," he interrupted, his smile still there, but it felt like a knife twisting in my chest. "i'm not mad.