Amongst The Stars

Chapter Nine

"But it's not realAnd you don't existAnd I can't recall the last time I was kissedIt hits me in the carAnd it feels like the end of a movie I've seen beforeBefore" Ceilings - Lizzy McAlpine

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the feeling of Quinn's arms wrapped around me, to get lost in the feeling of their lips first brushing against mine. We're so close together that it's easy to allow myself to move just a little closer and kiss them again. It's easy to pretend that they want this.. And for a second, I live in bliss, knowing that they're kissing me with as much fervor as I'm kissing them. It didn't last long before I felt one of their hands snake between us, open palm landing on my chest. They gently shove me back, face full of bewildered anger.

I watch as their brows furrow together and their eyes dart back and forth, trying to process what happened.

"Is this—" they stop, their mouth opening and closing as they choose their following words. "Is this why you offered to help? So you could try and pick me up?" 

 "What? No! No, absolutely not," I rush out, "I don't know why I did that. I swear it wasn't intentional." 

 "So you go around... unintentionally... kissing people on the mouth?!" They laughed humorlessly, "That's just a thing you do in your spare time?"

I sigh and run a hand through my hair before responding.

"No, that came out wrong. I didn't mean for it to happen; I got caught up." 

 "You got caught up in a thank-you hug? A thank-you peck? Do you realize how that sounds?" 

"I'm usually better at speaking than this," I try to joke. 

 "Are you sure about that?" 

 "No... not really." there's a long beat of silence where we're just staring at each other.

 "Okay, well, I need you to leave now," they finally grit out, "We've done enough." I slowly nod my head and turn to leave, then hear them call out "Thanks for the help, but please don't contact me for a while." 

 "Of course, Quinn," I whisper defeatedly, walking out the door, "anything you want."

I hop in my truck feeling utterly bewildered. I know that I kissed them a second time, but Quinn literally started it. They kissed me first and now they're acting like I caused all of this. Shut up, Josh. Can't you see that they're hurt and confused? Give them a little time to come to terms with it.

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As I slide my key into the lock on the door to our apartment, I finally allow myself to break down. Fat tears roll down my face as I walk through the door. Why did I do that?

I take my shoes off and practically rocket-launch myself onto the couch, not caring to take my jacket off. More tears fall as I play back the last few hours in my head. I think of how much fun we had throughout the day, joking and laughing as I helped Quinn move and unpack their boxes. I think about how my heart fluttered ardently the longer I was in their presence. I think about how we'd flash each other secret smiles over the day.

How could I betray their trust? How could I think that this is what they wanted? How could I think that I was what they wanted?

I let out a defeated groan and flop onto my back, pulling one of the throw blankets that Jake insists make it "look like we have our shit together" over top of me. I pull out my phone and click into my text thread with Quinn. My fingers hover over the keyboard as I remember their voice telling me not to contact them. I'm so stupid.