Tunnel Vision

Chapter 2

(trigger warning)

I was 5 years old when my mom came back to get me from my godparents. I now know why she took me to my godparents. My older siblings tried to drown me when she first brought me home. My sibling right above me was too young to know what was going on, but my oldest sister knew exactly what she was doing. She didn't want me there.

Eventually, at 5, my mom came back and got me and took me and my third oldest sister to my grandmother's house. I didn't know my siblings that well because I wasn't around them much. My sister, Kalia, was the closest one to me, and she sometimes was at my godparents house to visit me. My dad had no idea where Kalia and I were because my mom kept us from him.

We had no idea why our father wasn't around, and it was a bit confusing, and at my age, I thought my godparents were my real parents, and I was suddenly taken from them to this random place I barely knew. That was hard for me, but I adjusted after realizing that she was my mother. It didn't take long for us to eventually move in with my mom's then boyfriend. His name was Jerry. He was a police officer in South Hill, Virginia. My mom was working all the time, and sometimes we would be left to be watched by him.

Jerry was a strange man in many ways, but we tried to get used to him. Jerry is the reason I have blocked out 12 years of my memory. At some point all of my siblings lived together with my mom and Jerry until my older two sisters moved out to live with their father. They didn't feel comfortable with Jerry being around. Kalia and I being the youngest, we had to stay with our mother. I remember small things like Jerry putting up my Dora tent in the front yard and playing in it.

20 years ago, when I was 7 years old, the unspeakable happened, and I have been traumatized to this day. The day I first became a victim to his molestation. I was 7 years old, and my sister was 9. I was too young to understand what was actually happening. I remember lying in bed watching TV with Jerry and him making me reach into the hole of his boxers that he was wearing. When I wouldn't do it, he would force my hand into them. I would cry and cry, but these are memories that I just got back 6 years ago.

I had no idea that he was touching my sister also. She had no idea he was touching me either, because she just didn't want it to be happening. As a child, my only defense was to block out everything. To shut down my mind and try to push through, but I was scarred for life. I knew I was hurting, but I had no clue how bad it really was until Kalia went to the school guidance counselor and told them what was going on.

That's when I found out what rape and molestation were and that I was a victim at the young age of 7 years old. At that point, I had already blocked everything off and just brushed it off my shoulder. After being called to the school, my mother showed up to discuss what Kalia had told the principal and guidance team. My mother called Kalia a liar, and it went downhill from there.

Weeks later, it was Kalia's birthday, and our mom took us to get our hair done. Being unknowing children, we believed her when she said we were going out that day, but it turns out we did, but not as expected. Our mother took us to our father's house and left us on the front porch and drove away. My dad wasn't even home, so we sat outside until my sister's godmother saw us and took us in her home. We sat there for hours wondering if our mother was coming back, but she never did. Though my dad hadn't been able to see us, the day he came home and found out we were left on his doorstep, broke his heart into pieces. 

*This is the hardest thing I ever had to write. I've tried to deny these things happening but they did. I. have suffered with this trauma for so long. But trust me it gets worse than this. 20 years later  and it's still hard to tell my own story.*