Knowing 12 - Boys of Tommen

5.

sara

As soon as Hugh speeds off and Claire waves goodbye through the window, I throw my bag down and head to my room. I take a deep breath, replaying the events of the day. It was a little overwhelming and the standards for grades were definitely more advanced. I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up.

I saw Lizzie around second period, she seemed to be in a good enough mood but something was on her mind. I could just tell. It was probably Hughie but I learned a long time ago to stay out of Lizzie and Hughies 'whatever they have going on.'

The whole school day I was a little on edge, waiting for something bad to happen. It always seems like as soon as everything is going well, something or someone will ruin it. I try not to think that way about everything but my mind keeps telling me to not be so content, or everything will get screwed up.

Claire introduced me to all of these girls, some of them I could faintly remember, but that was the kid versions of themselves. We were all growing up now. They were nice but I was reluctant to really talk to them. I had kept my circle small for so long that it was uncomfortable to be in a big group like that, it was intimidating.

Lizzie mostly stayed to herself, she didn't seem to have much to say to those other girls. Everyone had their own opinions about Liz. Some people thought she was 'stuck up' or 'rude' but that was easy to say when you didn't really know her. She has been through a lot, everyone has, but it hasn't been easy for her to find a way to cope with it. Sometimes I think she wants everyone to hate her so that she doesn't have to be vulnerable with them. So that she can continue to punish herself over her sister's death.

I wish she could see that she wasn't all alone. But it was hard to convince someone of that when it's all you feel.

I slumped down on my bed and threw off my jumper. Whenever I would catch a glimpse of what I was wearing throughout the day I felt so wrong. Like I was pretending to fit in, when I never truly would.

I stared at the ceiling, my chest rising and falling as I tried to convince myself, once again, that it would all be okay. But in the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel like I was stupid. I was stupid for thinking that being somewhere new, with my friends, would make me feel like I was okay. Because even if the place was a fresh start, I was still the same old person. The same old stupid girl.

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something else. Anything else before my memory would betray me.

I immediately thought about the good parts of the day. Having someone to walk with in the hallways. Having a partner during partner work. People barely paying attention to me, I wasn't a spectacle, I was just me. Feely.

I waited all day to see him, hoping I would pass by him in the halls somewhere. I kept looking around like he would appear but he never did. When I finally saw him at the end of the day I tried to play it cool, like I hadn't been thinking about him.

He was looking at me weird though. My heart spiked in my chest because for a second, standing in the parking lot, I thought he might have figured it out somehow. My biggest fear, coming to life. But then he smiled at me, talked to me.

The car ride home I told myself over and over that he didn't know and he never would. That it was just my imagination, playing tricks. But then I began thinking about what would happen if he did find out or if anyone else would.