MORIBUND MANIAC

23

With Brandon's hands now both secured behind my neck, he looked deeply into my eyes as his lips carefully parted. His golden hair swirled perfectly around his handsome face, and I tried concentrating on that, not having a clue of what would happen the next second.

"You know, when I first agreed to this, there was a promise I made to myself..." I watched him hesitate, and suddenly I felt more uneasy. Brandon was the most unhesitant person I knew. He was never afraid of speaking, never unsure or insecure. No... he was candid, plainspoken, filled with confidence and verbally unrestrained. Brandon didn't have many limits, although he learned how to speak to me as I was now his lover, and therefore deserved to be spoken to with respect and afterthought.

"A promise?" I filled in, concern spreading and making me eager. Moving my eyes to Brandon's throat, I watched him swallow, his Adam's apple moving and making it obvious. Something was bothering him.

"Yes... I promised myself... that if this resulted in failure, I'd set you free." Now he was the one looking away. What was he talking about? I let out a grin, asking it out loud.

"What are you talking about Brandon?"

He bit his bottom lip, allowing a second of thought before he connected eyes with me again.

"You know how much I love you, you do, Beverly. No matter how much I want to be with you, yet being a part of your future, I've just come to realize I can't fucking allow it,"

He paused in a breath, looking away.

"As long as you're with me, you're as trapped in here as I am." He explained, yet not speaking clearly enough for me to comprehend what he was actually saying.

Maybe it was just refusal, or denial...

I tried pulling my head backwards, showing him my withdrawal, but the wall stopped me, reminding me of how captured I was in this position.

"You understand we can't go on with this. You're aware of how wrong it is, somewhere deep inside, I know you are..."

"No..." I shook my head, the corners of my mouth twitching and my eyes watering. I wasn't hearing this. He was just being hilarious, not knowing how to act or feel about the sudden twist in yesterdays trial. He had no idea what he was talking about. He had no right to make decisions like this out of the blue without me knowing.

"Fuck... I can't believe I'm doing this." A whisper escaped his full lips. His jaw clenching and eyes closing, showing signs of regret.

"Then don't!" I demanded, rather than begged. My voice filled with panic and anger, rude and strict. Brandon moved his thumb to stroke my cheek again. He tried his best to keep me calm, but could read through my eyes that I was everything but that.

"You..." He sighed.

"You're my whole goddamn world, Beverly. You're the one who taught me how to even care again, can't you see that's why I'm doing this? Because I care about you... so fucking much. I don't want you to be a prisoner for the rest of your life-"

"Wha... no... this is my workplace. I'm here... I'll be... I'll always be here anyways." Starting to falter, I did no longer care about the weakness I was trying to hide only a couple of minutes ago. Right now the only focus was to be rid of this situation, and make Brandon realize what the hell he was doing. He sighed again, the grip back in my neck suddenly tighter.

"It's... it's not about the place... goddamn it." He was now mumbling, eyes down to the floor, his whole self exposing how hard this was for him. Then he looked up at me again, his eyes round and glistening.

No... don't you dare cry.

"It's about your future, Beverly... marriage, children, a family, a house, a garden... fucking freedom..." Brandon bit his lip, forcing tears back. But I didn't anymore, I wanted him to watch every piece of me getting torn apart because of him. I needed him to witness the damage he was causing me and realize how much worse it was to break someone's heart than stab a knife through it seven times.

"I don't care about that." Trembling lips speaking, big, desperate eyes begging with all soul for him to get over this nonsense. Everything was so good just hours ago, everything between me and Brandon. We were more sure of each other than ever, going through this together for the sake of our future which he now, suddenly, was ready to just waste away.

"But you do," The determination in him made me terrified. It only assured me how much of a challenge it would be for me to change his mind.

"It's only a matter of time..."

I tried to gather myself, find whatever tool I could use to manipulate him into what was right. But I was his only weakness, and no tool of profession would help, only using my emotions would.

I cried out, sobbing, breathing heavily. My heart thundered beneath my chest, my nerves crawling under my skin. I started to tremble, my knees so weak I nearly folded. Trying to catch my breath, I inhaled, a sound escaping my mouth caused by my strained airways. I couldn't breathe.

The tears streamed, waved over my cheeks and bedewed Brandon's hand still placed on my left side. My vision got blurry, my head turning more confused and frightened about not being able to use the senses correctly. My ears rang, aching noises driving me crazy.

Brandon held me steady, hushed me and stroked me, trying to keep me present.

"Please," I breathed helplessly between the tears.

"Please don't,"

"I'll die without you." I sobbed out, quietly but desperately, knowing that being dumped meant nothing but destruction for me.

Isolation.

Depression.

Drugs.

I could feel Brandon's breath grazing my skin, an obvious sigh of sorrow. I looked up at him, trying to breathe but still unable to. He was crying too. Small, salty tears tracing pathways on his cheeks. He shook his head, capturing my soul with his gaze, and now I couldn't hold it any longer. Feeling my knees giving up, I fell helplessly to the floor. Brandon captured me, following my feeble body to the floor, and he took me into his arms, holding me tight. He exhaled heavily, struggling, his lungs tied up by the suffering he was putting me through.

"I'll still be here," He trembled in his whisper, his warm breath steaming against my hair.

"I'll always be here for you."

Clever as he was, I didn't know if his words were meant to be literal. Indeed he would still be here, because he had nowhere else to go. He had no other choice than to remain here.

But I did... and now he was trying to make that choice for me.

I cried and cried, sobbed and retched and bellowed into his bosom. Everything hurt, my whole body strained and ached, slowly getting ripped into pieces on the inside.

I placed my palm upon Brandon's chest, trying and use my senses to get back any receptivity. I closed my eyes as I leaned into him, my hand locating his heartbeat, and making my mind a little settled. I found my breathing again, the knots on my airways untied, the loud, shrieking noises in my ears tuning down and evaporating, the crawling under my skin easing and turning into liquid.

The tears still streamed, but I was finally in control again. Calm, settled, so full of pain.

Moving my face upward, I reached for Brandon's neck with my mouth. I kissed him, took his skin like it all belonged to me. I traced up to his jaw, hearing humming and feeling it vibrate in his throat.

"You say you love me?" I breathed against his skin, feeling his jaw twitch and strain.

"Show me that you love me." I opened my mouth, letting the tip of my tongue taste his skin and trace his ear. I took the lobe in between my lips, making his skin warm and humid. He purred above me, his resistance weaker than his yield. His chest sunk and fell. My hand still placed upon his heart, feeling his pace increasing with every beat.

"One last time," I whispered into his ear.

"I'm begging you,"

"Love me goodbye Brandon."