𝑵𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒕 || Lee Heeseung ✓

85. Jay's letter

The morning was unsettlingly quiet when I found the letter on my doorstep. At first, I thought it was just another one of Jay’s little notes—he was always leaving me messages—but something about this one felt different. The envelope was slightly damp, as if he had hurried to leave it. My fingers trembled as I tore it open, and with each word I read, my heart sank further into a pit of dread. He was thanking me for everything, for always being there for him, for all the moments we’d shared—but there was something terrifyingly final in his tone. It was like he was saying goodbye, not just for now, but forever.

The last lines sent a chill down my spine: "You’ve always been the light in my life, but I don’t deserve that light anymore. Thank you for everything, Hayoon. I’m sorry."

My heart stopped. This wasn’t just a letter—it was a farewell. Panic rose in my chest like a wave threatening to drown me. Jay...what were you thinking? What were you planning to do? I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t. Not like this. My hands shook as I crumpled the letter in my fist, dread wrapping itself tightly around me. I tried to call him—once, twice, over and over again—but each time, the phone rang and rang without an answer. My anxiety spiked with each failed attempt. Where was he? What was he going to do? Why now?

I ran out of the house without a second thought, the rain starting to pour down, soaking me in seconds. I didn’t care. I just needed to find him. I needed to stop him from doing something reckless. I searched everywhere I could think of—the flower shop he liked, his apartment—but there was no sign of him. With each passing minute, the fear inside me grew larger, more unbearable. I asked everyone I could, stopping random people, shop owners, anyone who might have seen him, but they all shook their heads. No one had seen him.

The rain was relentless, blurring my vision as I rushed through the streets, desperation tightening its grip on my throat. My mind raced with horrible possibilities. What if I was too late? What if that letter was the last thing I’d ever hear from him?

That’s when it hit me—the bridge. He always went there when he needed to clear his head, when things got too heavy. My legs felt like they were about to give out, but I pushed myself forward, ignoring the cold, ignoring the pounding rain. I had to find him.

And then I saw him. Jay, standing there, drenched from head to toe, his clothes clinging to him, his shoulders hunched as though the weight of the world was pulling him down. His steps were slow, dragging, as if all the life had been drained out of him. He looked pale, weak, almost ghostlike. My heart shattered at the sight.

“Jay!” I screamed his name, but my voice was barely louder than the rain pounding against the pavement. I didn’t care if I slipped, didn’t care if I fell—I needed to get to him. I sprinted towards him, my feet splashing in puddles, and grabbed his arm just as he was about to take another step toward the edge. He froze at my touch, like he couldn’t believe I was there.

Slowly, he turned to face me. His eyes met mine, and my breath caught in my throat. He was smiling, but it wasn’t his usual smile—it was broken, defeated. His eyes were red and swollen, tears mixing with the rain on his face. He didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes said it all—he was ready to give up. And it killed me inside.

“Jay, no,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I tried to hold back my own tears. “Please don’t.”

But he didn’t respond, just stared at me, his expression hollow. He looked like he had nothing left to give, like all the fight had been drained out of him. My heart clenched painfully in my chest.

Without thinking, I pulled him into my arms, hugging him tightly despite the cold and the rain soaking through both of us. He felt cold, lifeless almost, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him go. Not like this.

“I’m here,” I whispered, my voice trembling. “I’m here, Jay. You’re not alone.”

That’s when he broke. His body started to shake in my arms, silent sobs wracking his frame as he clung to me like I was the only thing tethering him to this world. I held him tighter, feeling his pain like it was my own, and I realized in that moment just how much he had been holding inside, how much he had been hurting.

I wasn’t going to let him slip away. Not now. Not ever.

I scolded him the moment I pulled away, the fear and frustration spilling out before I could stop myself. "Why, Jay? Why did you even think about ending your life? Why didn’t you just come to me? Call me? Anything?"

He looked down, avoiding my gaze, his voice barely above a whisper. "I didn’t want to come between you and Heeseung....I thought I was just complicating things for you."

I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, realizing how much he had been holding in. "Jay, I know everything. Chenle told me how much you helped me, how you slapped some sense into Heeseung. I owe you more than you realize."

Jay gave a faint smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. "I’m glad....really, I am."

I softened, seeing how burdened he was by his own thoughts. "Don’t keep this all bottled up, Jay. It’s too heavy for you to carry alone. You can tell me anything. I’m ready to listen."

For a moment, he seemed unsure, his emotions on the edge. Then, he teared up, his voice breaking as he spoke. "I don’t even know how it happened, Hayoon. How I fell in love with you... A part of me knew I had to hold back because you’re married, but another part of me couldn’t stop it. It’s my fault. I’m the worst."

His words hung in the air, heavy with guilt. But I knew it wasn’t his fault. I had been in his shoes once, helplessly in love with someone I thought I couldn’t have. I could see myself in him, the same confusion, the same heartache. I shook my head gently. "No, Jay. It’s not your fault. We can’t control our feelings, no matter how hard we try."

I could see the weight of his guilt pulling him down, the way he looked at me like he had done something unforgivable. But I didn’t blame him—not for this. How could I?

He apologized again, his voice thick with emotion. "I’m sorry, Hayoon. I’m the worst."

I pulled him into a tight hug, feeling the warmth of his body against mine as the rain continued to fall around us. "You’re not the worst. You’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met. When my own husband doubted me, you were the one who stood by my side. You trusted me. You were my support, my source of light when everything felt dark."

I gently wiped the rain and tears from his face, my voice soft but firm. "You’re the best, Jay. Don’t ever feel bad about your feelings. They don’t make you weak or wrong. They just make you human."

He stared at me for a moment, still teary-eyed but with a faint glimmer of hope in his expression. I smiled at him, hoping he could see how much I appreciated him, how much his presence meant to me. "You deserve happiness, Jay. You deserve so much more than this pain."

We stood there in the rain, the weight of unspoken feelings finally lifting. For the first time in a long while, I saw a flicker of peace in his eyes.