Heart of a Hunter

4: Close Enough to Break

Sam's POV

Blair didn't see it, but I caught the look on her face when she turned away. It was a look I knew too well- a mix of fear and pain that people carry after losing everything. I'd seen it in so many others, and I'd felt it in myself more times than I cared to admit.

We stood in silence outside the motel, the cold air wrapping around us, but it didn't feel uncomfortable. It felt...grounding, in a way. Like maybe standing still was the only thing keeping us from falling apart completely. Blair hadn't said anything since she whispered about her family, and I didn't push. Sometimes, there wasn't anything you could say to make it better. I'd learned that the hard way. 

Dean was still inside, probably knocked out cold, but I couldn't leave Blair out here by herself. Something about her just made me want to stay. Maybe it was because she reminded me of how I'd felt after losing Jess- how hollow and lost I'd been. I didn't want her to through that alone.

But I also I didn't know how to help her. I wasn't sure if anything I said would even matter.

"You're not going back to bed, are you?" I asked, trying to break the silence with something light, though I already knew the answer.

She shook her head, a small, tired smile pulling at the corners of her lips. "Not much point. I can't sleep."

"Yeah, I get that" I said, leaning against the railing. I'd been there- plenty of times. Nights where the nightmares were so vivid you'd rather stay awake than face them. "When you've seen too much, closing your eyes feels dangerous."

Blair looked up at me, her green eyes catching the light from the motel sign. There was something in her gaze that made my chest tighten, like she was silently asking for something, but didn't know how to ask for it. Or maybe she didn't even know what it was she needed. 

"I hate that I survived," She said suddenly, her voice barely more than a whisper. Her words hit me like a punch to the gut, not because I hadn't heard them before, but because I knew how real they were. I'd felt that same guilt- wondering why I made it out when the people I loved didn't. "It's like... I don't know how to be alive without them."

I swallowed hard, my throat tightening. I wanted to tell her she wasn't wrong for feeling that way. That the guilt never really goes away, no matter how much you try to convince yourself it's not your fault. But the truth was, nothing I could say would change how she felt right now.

She was in the middle of that storm, the one where every memory of your loved ones feels like it's burning a hole through your chest. I knew exactly what that felt like. And I hated it for her.

"You didn't ask for this" I said, my voice low and steady. "None of this is on you."

Blair stared out into the empty parking lot, her hands gripping the railing. She didn't say anything, but I could see her shoulders trembling, like she was barely holding it together. 

I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but I didn't know if she'd accept it. I wasn't sure what to say anymore. My heart ached for her in a way I wasn't used to- like her pain was mine. It wasn't logical, and it didn't make sense, but that didn't matter. I just wanted her to know she wasn't alone.

"You don't have to go through this on your own, Blair" I said softly. "I know it feels like you're drowning, but we're here. Dean and I- We're not going anywhere."

Her lips pressed together, and for a second, I thought maybe she'd finally break. But she didn't. She just looked up at me, her green eyes shining with unshed tears. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

The question caught me off guard. I opened my mouth to answer, but no words came out right away. Why was I being so nice to her? I didn't know. I mean, this was what we did- we helped people. But with Blair, it felt different. More personal. Like I needed to be here for her, not just because it was the right thing to do, but because she mattered to me.

"I don't know" I said finally, my voice a little softer than I intended. "You deserve it."

Blair blinked, a hint of surprise flashing in her eyes. Like maybe no one had told her that before. The thought made me feel sick. How could someone like her- strong, kind, beautiful, still standing after everything- think she wasn't worth something?

I hesitated, wanting to say more, but I could see her tarting to close off again. She pulled away from the railing and wrapped her arms around herself, turning slightly away from me. 

"I don't feel like I deserve it" She whispered, her voice breaking just a little. "

"You do" I said, firmer this time. "You didn't do anything wrong, Blair"

She didn't respond, but I could see her fighting with herself. I wanted to push further, to get her to see what I saw- that she was stronger than she realized. But I knew better than to force it. Grief didn't work like that.

"Sam..." She started, but stopped, as if she wasn't sure she should continue.

"What is it?" I asked gently, leaning a little closer.

She turned to look at me again, her gaze intense. "I don't know how to do this" She said. "I don't know how to live with what happened. How do you even...move on from something like this?"

I felt my chest tighten at the question. That was the thing about grief- it didn't just go away. It didn't get easier. You just got better at carrying it. But telling her that right now didn't feel like the right move.

"I don't think you ever really 'move on'" I said honestly. "You just learn to live with it. Some days are harder than others, but you get through it, you keep going."

She nodded slowly, but I could tell she wasn't convinced. Hell, I wasn't even sure I believed what I was saying half the time. But I had to believe it. For her.

We stood there in silence for a while longer, the night air growing colder around us. I watched as Blair rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself up. Without thinking, I shrugged off my jacket and draped it over her shoulders. 

She glanced up at me. "Sam you don't have to-"

"I know" I interrupted gently, smiling down at her. "But you look cold."

She pulled the jacket tighter around herself, and for a moment, I saw the faintest hint of a smile on her face. It wasn't much, but it was something.

"Thanks" She murmured, her voice soft.

We stayed there a little longer, not saying anything much, but I didn't mind. Sometimes words weren't what someone needed. Sometimes it was just about being there, letting them know they weren't alone in the darkness.

Eventually, we headed back inside, where Dean was still snoring away in the corner, oblivious to everything. Blair settled into bed, curling up under the covers with my jacket still draped over her.

I laid down on the other bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind still spinning.

I didn't know how we were going to get her through this. But I knew I was going to try. 

Because Blair wasn't just another person we saved. 

She was someone I wanted to keep safe.