The Monsters In Our Heads (Book 7 Arrow/SPN Crossovers)

Who Am I

The house had never felt this high strung, it felt more like the Bunker, which sucked. Coyote's house should never feel like this. I hated that hunting had tarnished it somehow and I swore to myself right then and there that I'd do everything I could to keep it from happening again. This was our place to escape, not have all this crap come up. Sam and Coyote didn't say anything when the wolf and I walked in. I wanted to go get another beer but decided against it. I took a seat next Coyote on the couch, the wolf laid down at my feet and uncomfortable silence filled the air. Sam was across from us in the chair.

They weren't going to let me off easy so I decided to take the plunge. "I can handle it. I want to go."

Sam's eyes were on the wolf, "He and therefore you by proxy look better. We all know you've been getting better but that's not what worries us."

"Okay, what does?"

"What happens if we can't help Jacob? What happens when you get attached and it turns out that we can't save him? We all know how you've always dealt with that before. You don't give up."

"Neither do you so don't put that only on me."

"I didn't used to, I've learned how. Something hunting with Roy made me learn."

That was news to me, "What do you mean?"

"There's been times where if it had been you and I out there we would have dragged ourselves through hell and high water to help someone, Roy and I don't."

"You're bailing on people? What the hell Sam!"

"No, not bailing. Taking a step back and asking for help if we're getting in too deep. Not going after demons because we hate them, not tapping into the dark side of things to save someone. Things you and I didn't do. We don't push ourselves to go after every monster out there. That's how Roy's able to stay on an even keel and spend time with Thea, it's how I've stayed sane. We've set limits on what we're willing to risk. Can you do that Dean? You never have before and it's not how you usually think."

"So what, you're picking and choosing hunts now?" I really had no room to talk since I'd quit, but it bothered me.

He got quiet, way too quiet. "I'm making sure Roy makes it home to Thea and doesn't turn into us or Oliver. I'm the older one now, he's my responsibility. I get a whiff of sulphur or any hint of demon or something else too high up on the food chain we bail and call someone else. I've found hunters that specialize in demons and pagan gods so I call them. Call me a coward if you want, say I'm not doing my job but it's been a year and neither of us have ended up in the hospital, possessed or dead. Did you and I ever manage that?"

I couldn't lie, he'd lived through it after all, "No." That explained why he hadn't needed me on any hunts after those first few. They'd been some pretty tough cases, he hadn't wanted to ask but he'd sort of had no choice. I'd noticed he really hadn't seemed that stressed lately either, even when he'd come from a hunt close by. If he and Roy were cherry picking hunts that'd make things a lot easier.

"Exactly. So can you go into this with limits or not?"

"Define limits."

"That if whatever is going on with Jacob starts seriously adversely affecting you, you leave, and, if after a decent amount of time he doesn't get better we tell Krissy we've done all we can and turn him over to someone else. No deals, no jumping headfirst into things without researching and no dark magic."

My first impulse was to point out that all of the things he was making off limits was exactly what had kept us alive this long. The wolf leaned hard against me which made me look down and see the other side of what all those things had brought about. I got the point, "All right."