Poems : A Collective

Suicidal intentions and ideals - 2

I was going to kill myself that night we met,but the sound of your voice kept me for a bit.

The way it sounded kind even when annoyed, the way you listened when I spoke unlike anyone else I'd met, and the way your sadness when you spoke about something seemed to take myself a hit.

I was going to kill myself that week until you cracked a stupid joke and made me laugh, amused by the dad joke you'd busted out in a moment of being silly, and I felt within me how Wrong it would be bone deep to ruin your good humour,

The way your cheeks crinkled when you smiled or laughed was so perfect and your eyes showed so much kindness and joy in them, almost sparkling with it.

I was thinking of killing myself that month when you decided to confide in me as your friend and you told me how lately you'd been running low on your kind voice and perfect laugh and even your seemingly endless jokes.

You told me how hard it was to keep up this facade and how tired you truly were through it all, and i'd saw it, that brewing darkness within you. You told me how you wished you were dead instead of among the rest of us folk and I understood what you meant.

I'd felt it so often it seemed unreal to hear it from another so like me it seemed like a hoax.

And I decided then and there to Stay. To keep you from sinking and stay afloat, I confided in you too and with another one of your seemingly so easy smiles and a deepening sadness in your eyes you made a pact with me, we both would watch out for one another's sinking and make sure the buoy stayed aired.

I wasn't going to kill myself that next year, but you did.

There came the time that always does that I wasn't fast enough and I overslept just an hour too late. And I woke up to a world I knew would be missing a kind voice and a pair of two beautiful, gleaming eyes and jokes only you'd known and made up in conversations with people deep into the night and a perfect laugh that washed over me with warmth like the sun itself.

And that day wasn't the worst for I knew it would happen someday deep within myself, but it was all the days that followed where I wished to see you again and hear that laugh I ached for and the days where I'd wake up with a joke in mind aching to tell you and remember you Weren't there to tell them too.

And even when I texted you the texts wouldn't send and I reread the haunting last ones you'd send me and I'd see you in everything.

Those days were the worst of all as it also made me realize I had no one else to tell those jokes to or talk too.

The jokes that I had groaned at I now wished and ached for every second over the aching quiet without you.

I never killed myself, but I never saved myself either.

I took unnecessary risks and I acted stupid. I thought of you so often still as life went on and it was not always kind thoughts I had for you. I was so angry you'd left me like you did, alone and miserable and I wished you had talked to me before I went to sleep when you knew you didn't feel right.

I would curse and scream at you and your cowards way out that I had worshiped so before you, but I had loved you as you.

Even though I could not really be mad, I know it was hard for you. I know you were so tired and you just wanted to rest, but what did death solve.
I wished I had just had you longer then I did and that you hadn't died all alone. I know it's selfish but I missed you, you know? You left and I was alone without you.

And when I eventually died, I was buried near you. And as they lowered my cold body and my warm spirit down the darkness was full of your sparkling eyes, it was flooded with your amazing laugh i'd missed so much that cascaded over me like a blanket for my cold body and your jokes etched into me and my coffin and even the dirt confining it.

And I ran to you. I embraced you so tightly it made up for all the time you'd been missing.