Fragments of Me: Echoes in the Mirror

The Weight of Water

I felt myself falling before I opened my eyes, the vast tunnel walls flying past me at break-neck speeds as I tumbled down into the darkness. Memories of my life were flashing before my eyes as I continued to fall, the wind taking my breath from my lungs, stripping me of my life force.

They never tell you just how much things from your childhood will affect the way you function as an adult. The way you talk, eat, sleep, walk, everything you do is now changed because of what you experienced. But, also what you don't can change who you are... The amount of sleepless nights I spent in my home alone, entertaining myself by drowning in the words that danced off the page, sending me swirling into a world that was so very comforting compared to my own.

Allowing me to forget the sharp words thrown at me by my mother, by family, people I thought were my friends and those I thought I could trust with my very soul...

***

I stood there, peering at my reflection, trying to understand what was wrong with it... Why my mom couldn't just be happy with who she saw before her. Maybe I reminded her of who she once was and that terrified her... Not wanting me to go down the same path she careened down, unyielding to the warning signs at every twist and turn. The fear that her past could come back to haunt her was daunting... Daunting enough that she would push me aside, point out the flaws I didn't even know I had. Flaws that everyone has really, forcing her views down my throat until I couldn't breathe on my own. But I always fought them away, I refused to let her blind me like she did everyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I was blinded by her for so long... but it wasn't my fault, not entirely. She was the only one I could count one, at least, that's what I thought... Being a kid and having nobody on your side when you need them the most isn't easy, so you cling to the closest thing you have to comfort, even if that means hurting yourself and allowing them to hurt you so you can feel even a shred of safety.

You allow them to tear you apart, destroying every single piece of yourself until you match what they want to you be, until even that's not enough. They're greedy, taking every single ounce from you they can get, draining you until you're nothing but dust, and yet -- they continue to take... No matter how much you sacrifice for someone, sometimes they just don't care until you stop giving them everything they want. No one likes being told "No", especially them...

So, they begin to self-destruct, taking down everyone and everything they can as they crumble, destroying everything in their path to try and justify their actions. Blame you for the rubble surrounding your feet... No matter how hard you try to get them to see what they've done, they will never look in the mirror, only choosing to deflect that shine at someone else, blinding whoever they can as they continue to retreat into the darkness that they crave.

***

She doesn't know if I want her to be in my life, yet all I have ever done is make sure she was okay, make sure she was safe and protected as much as I could. She was the parent, yet I was the adult... shielding her from what I should have never been a part of. The lies she spreads around to those who will listen catch pieces of me like spiders without me even realizing it. The knives that appear in my back have her initials carved into the hilt, yet I was too naïve to see them, choosing to be ignorant and trust that my own mother would never hurt me. Ignoring the words she has said to my face, things she's done to me, the lies she force fed me as a child to make her feel better about what she had done to me.

The false promises she made to me repeatedly, expecting me to just forget everything because it was just a regular day for her. But for me, every moment was a constant pin point on the map of my life, scarring into my memory with a hurtful word, action, anything. She never remembers.... Choosing to be in denial because that's just what she does best. Runs from her problems and burns the bridges she crosses so they cannot follow, but there's always another way across the chasm. It may take longer to find, but it will catch up to you. You cannot run forever, and that is something she doesn't seem to understand.