Fragments of Me: Echoes in the Mirror

Tangled in the Sand

I stood surrounded by mirrors, reflecting every piece of myself in so many ways that I couldn't not see any bit of myself.  There was no hiding here, no shadows to sink into, hide from the many facets of my being. My long, dark hair was falling around my face in perfect waves, a sparkle in my eyes and confidence in my squared shoulders. It was almost blinding, the girl who stood before me in the reflection, her aura was immense, yet calming and loving in a beautiful way. I stood there in awe, captivated by her.  

And then there was him, standing there in the mirror with me, reflected in his own way. But there was something different about it, maybe the way the shadows danced off his face, distorting his features just enough to give me uncanny valley feelings from the way he was. No... I don't think that was it... It was almost as if he was changing in front of me, fading in and out of himself the way the tide changes the sand ever-so-slightly as each wave cascades over the beach. Changes that were so slight that it takes years to see any real difference. I almost couldn't tell the difference as I stared at him, but the longer I looked the more I could make out those slight differences. 

His mask is falling... I realized it too late. As the layers began to peel away noticeably I didn't realize I was knee deep in sand that had been slowly pooling at my feet, pouring out of his hands. I couldn't move now, even if I tried and the slight smile I could see on his distorted face only grew wider as I continued to struggle, trying to get my legs loose from the ever-growing sand pile around me. 

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I panicked, trying to dig my way out of the sandpit that was now rapidly filling, and I gasped when I saw her. A wave of despair washed over me; I barely recognized the broken girl staring back, her haunted eyes reflecting every moment of pain I had tried to suppress. She looked nothing like me, her eyes were sunken and sad, chains were heavy on her wrists and neck, the cuffs weighing down on her cutting into her skin, leaving bruises from the length of time they had been there. She looked unrecognizable from the girl I had seen just moments ago. The confidence had been stolen from her and she was small, curled in on herself almost as if she was trying to hide from the many reflections. Her hair was messy and short, cut in an almost barbaric fashion and her skin was bruised, marred with scars and small cuts. 

The sand surged around me, an unrelenting tide that swallowed my legs, pulling me down with a ferocity that echoed my racing heart. It was coarse and gritty, scratching against my skin like tiny shards of glass, and its heat burned through my clothes, amplifying the sense of suffocation. It was flowing faster and faster as I began to realize it was now futile to try and fight it. There was too much and I just couldn't dig out of it, besides... where could I even go? There were mirrors all around, no doorways, no exits... just... mirrors... my own failures reflected back to me hundreds of times... 

I took one last breath as the sand covered me, grating into my eyes, ears, and mouth. I was drowning. I couldn't stop it. My limbs flailed, but I was stuck. I just gave up. I was drowning and nothing I did would stop it, so I just gave up. I closed my eyes, the sand ground into my corneas, but I didn't care anymore. There was no point in trying to fight the inevitable anymore, it would only cause more suffering on my end if I did. My body felt crushed and the claustrophobia was setting in hard, but I just let it continue, the suffocation beat anything I could remotely gain from even a moment of fighting. 

After what felt like forever, the sand weighing on me like a thousand pounds, it felt almost relieving, freeing when I felt those last breathes leave my body as the sand filled my lungs. It burned, oh dear gods it burned... but it burned in a good way, like I knew that my suffering was over. Drowning only lasts so long, right? Then I can drift into bliss as my soul leaves this plane... 

But, it wasn't meant to be. 

The universe had decided that my suffering was not yet over... 

The sand began to fall away from me piece by piece, slowly releasing me from its constricting hold. I took a deep breath as my eyes shot open, blinded by the light in now bright room. I took in my surroundings, the sand now gone and no remnant of it was left behind, almost as if it were never there to begin with. 

There he was again... perfect, just as he was before... But a chill ran down my spine. The familiarity of his face felt like a mask, hiding the darkness I had only just begun to see. How could I trust this version of him?

I took his outstretched hand, accepting the apologies and promises that poured like alcohol from his lips, drawing me in and wrapping themselves around my psyche in an intoxicating whirlwind. I believed every word he spoke, why wouldn't I? I would always believe him, we'd been best friends for so long and he promised that he would never lie to me. I could trust him with my life, couldn't I? 

The echoes of the sand flitted through my memory, the weight and grit of it harsh in my mind and I hesitated. Could I trust him again or would it just end with me drowning again?  I loosened my grip on his hand, my hesitation causing an almost imperceptible frown to flit across his brow before he regain his composure. I could have imagined it though, maybe it was just the shadows... 

What shadows? Were there even any shadows? Huh... I don't know... 

My mind started to draw a blank as I focused on him more, the girl in the reflection, the sand, everything becoming a distant memory as I now began to bask in his light. His soft words flew around me, wrapping me in a soft pillow of comforting lullabies. I began to forget the harshness of the gritty sand beneath my eyelids, the feeling of it pouring into my lungs and suffocating me, the sandpaper feeling that surrounded my skin as I drowned in it. All was forgotten and pushed down into a box as his apologies for yelling, hurting me, breaking promises filled my head. His new promises taking hold inside of my soul. Promising me that he would never hurt me again, promises full of love and warmth that drowned out the cries of my soul telling me they were lies hidden by glamour. 

I chose to ignore all of the warnings that my body was screaming at me, choosing the safety of ignorance over the hurtful truth of what was really happening around me. But as his words wrapped around me like a warm blanket, I couldn't shake the nagging thought: What would happen when the truth finally broke through? He knew that I had been exposed to so much pain and hardship that it wasn't hard to deceive me into thinking I was safe with him. I never wanted to be in that constant state of fight or flight and he knew just how to break down my walls enough to let him in so he could drug me with those intoxicating promises. I ran from my problems, from the fear that I always felt into him, thinking I was safe... 

As I gazed at my reflection, I felt a strange tugging sensation, like invisible threads pulling at my heart, binding me to this moment.

Little did I know that he was weaving a web of fear around me, ensnaring me with each promise he whispered.

Making the outside world seem like a threat while the real danger lurked beside me in bed, 

As silent and suffocating as a spider's embrace.