In Excess (Itafushi)

Chapter 17

Perhaps it was the snow. The first flakes fell on Halloween, suffocating me with their inescapable grayness and bites against my skin. I squinted against the bitter cold lashing me from every direction. The soft pillowy winter wonderland I had always imagined melted like a watercolor painting left in the rain, the colors muddling together until they formed an offensive shade of brown. The snow, more akin to ice splinters, gathered only in street grates and in large piles gathered by snow plows, blackened by carbon emissions and oil.

Perhaps it was the midterms. Yuji never talked about how he did on his exams, and I could never bring myself to ask. I never went to his apartment after he had an exam. Those nights usually ended in a blackout. Sometimes he'd call me. Sometimes he wouldn't. More recently, he didn't. Maki and Nobara became a sort of litmus test, too. I shouldn't worry until they did, I reminded myself of this constantly. I had to trust their judgment to maintain my own sanity.

Perhaps it was me. Will started to notice that I'd spiral on the nights Yuji didn't call. He never said anything, but I saw the way he looked at me. The reflection I saw in his eyes was pathetic, a man, a boy, a marionette, strung along by the person who knew how to say all the right things at just the right times—the person who smiled just the right way, intentionally or not.

"Like heroin," I explained to Will while trying to keep the corners of my mouth from curling into a smile. "I can't say no to him."

"Ritalin," he corrected flatly. I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"What makes you say that?" I asked, fidgeting with a pen on my desk.

He sighed heavily, "Nevermind." He threw a towel over his shoulder and walked out of the room. His head was bowed, his face solemn and tense. What had I done to piss him off?

I pushed Will from my mind and texted Yuji quickly, 'You're sure you want me to come over?'. He had an exam, so that usually meant I stayed in my dorm for the night, but it was Halloween after all. My phone started buzzing a few seconds later, lighting up with a call from Yuji. I answered hurriedly, shrugging my coat on.

"Hey," I answered brightly.

"Why aren't you here yet?" he whined, the way the words trailed together made it clear he had already been drinking.

"I'm leaving my dorm now. I'll be there soon," I assured.

"Can't you get here any faster?" I wasn't prepared for the desperation in his voice. "Can you get an Uber?"

"Yuji, it will take just as long waiting for an Uber to be available as it would be just to walk." Yuji let out a small groan. "What's wrong?" My pace hastened, trudging through the disgusting slush, trying to decipher whether or not he was only pouting.

"I miss you." His voice sounded so small but clearer than anything before. "I need you." My face contorted into a wicked smile, the deepest, darkest parts of me satisfied by the affirmation. Of course, I felt horrible about feeling this way, like I was preying on his struggles just to satisfy my need to be needed, but I was helping him, right?

"I miss you, too," I soothed. "I promise, I'll be there soon." The yellow streetlights glared on the slick concrete sidewalks, lighting the night like King Midas himself. Uncleaned gutters dripped with honey and gilded beercans in abandoned lawns lay dormant like the remains of a Greek god. Yuji's steady breathing hummed in my ear like a droning bee, heavy with pollen. Pumpkins lined nearly every stoop I passed, some alight with a tiny flame, others left ungouged. "We never did carve pumpkins," I noted ambiently.

"I didn't know we were supposed to," he replied after some pause. I didn't respond. The silence between us lingered, hanging heavy over the hum of Yuji's breathing. I continued walking, letting my words dissolve. Maybe he didn't care about carving pumpkins. Maybe it was stupid to bring it up. But I was grasping at anything, any small thing to talk about that didn't involve his drinking or the way I'd started feeling hollow whenever he wasn't around.