14/4/23
She was still her usual chaotic self, but there was a new warmth within her, I felt a sense of acceptance that made her company surprisingly enjoyable. However, as I've been watching her, a growing sense of unease seems to settle within me. I'd had a dream about her, a dream that had left me feeling strangely unsettled. In the dream, we were standing on a rooftop, the city lights twinkling below us. She turned to me, her eyes filled with a longing which I couldn't ignore, and she leaned in for a kiss. I'd pulled away, frozen in place, unable to respond. The dream lingered with me. I am starting to feel weird as FUCK. What if I am falling for her? What if she isn't just a friend? I'd never felt this way before, and I don't know how to handle it. I am terrified of rejection, of being hurt again.
I watched her laughing with her best friends, her eyes sparkling with joy. She was so carefree, so full of life. It was impossible not to be drawn to her. I think I'm starting to like her more than I thought.
25/5/23
The past four days have been a drag. I'd been sick, cooped up in bed with a nasty flu that has robbed me of my energy and voice. It is only now, as I finally begin to feel better, that the full extent of my absence hit me.
I missed her laughter, the way she could light up a room with her presence. More than anything, I miss the easy yet funny conversations we developed and obviously the playful banter that has become a comfortable rhythm in my life.
As I sat up in bed early in the morning, the sunlight streaming through the window, a realization dawned on me. I wasn't just missing her as a friend. I was missing her as something more. The spark that had ignited between us, the way she made me feel alive and vibrant, it wasn't friendship. The realization hit me like a wave. I have indeed fallen in love with Shruti, hard. The uncertainty that had clouded my thoughts earlier has dissipated, replaced by an exhilarating and terrifying clarity.
I want to tell her. I don't want her to slip away too. I've never felt this way before, and I have no idea how she will react.
OKAY. I would tell her. No matter the consequences, I would be honest. It was time to face my feelings, to embrace the uncertainty and (probably) risk the pain of rejection.
Also I just realised that I barely write on you anymore... Well yk. Life is tougher now. Plus my habit of writing the date is also gone. It'll come back hopefully....
