It's been a long day.
Work, classes, homework, studying. It's been such a long day. Whoever said college was easy, was probably a business major. They don't do shit. At least that's what Jenn says. She's a business major.
I relish in the first break I've had all day as I lie on my dorm floor. Things haven't been any easier since I've been in the sunken place after coming down from my high. Even while trying to get over him, he still manages to inconvenience me. So with all that I've endured today, I was so drained. I didn't even have the energy to get in bed. I close my eyes and enjoy the darkness that meets me. The darkness is quiet. The exhaustion I feel allows my mind to feel just as quiet, clear for the first time in days. I focus on breathing. I imagine this is what meditation feels like. I've never really tried it.
Unfortunately, my illusion of peace is fleeting. Interrupted by a series of soft knocks I hear on my door. The voice that follows signifies that it's one of roommates, Nicole.
"Junie B, your boy's here!" She says, just loud enough for me to hear.
My boy?
Any semblance of calm I once felt becomes panic as my eyes pop open.
Ten days.
That's how long I've been clean. No contact, at all.
Nora even made sure to get my phone back from him for me. Of course he had it. I didn't bother to ask why. I got it back on the second day.
After Nora told me about him leaving the party, I built a new resolve. I was finally going to let go of him, the time had come long ago. Because I can do a lot of things, and I seem to be able to take so much, but I just don't think I can standby as he makes someone else whole, while leaving me in pieces. So I would leave it at that. On the fourth day he texted.
Are you busy?
I didn't answer. I was really good at this. This was better than the time I tried to put my foot down. Ghosting. When life throws rocks at you instead of handing you your usual lemons, you run away. That's what I was doing, and it was working. As evidenced by the fact that I hadn't felt any blunt force trauma in a few days, from the rocks. On the seventh day he called. Twice. Both calls just seconds apart. That's never happened before. Sure he's called when he wanted me, but he never called twice, even if I missed it. For the most part, I didn't miss it. Then he texted again.
????
Seriously, what the fuck could I respond to that anyway? After that, there was radio silence. I assumed he had given up. It would make sense, since he didn't care. And he had others. And sure it hurt a bit, but I could only go up from here. It was the bright side of being at the bottom of the sunken place. You can't sink any lower...right? But instead of giving up, he just, shows up? Unannounced? This new thing he's doing, where he's breaking habits, patterns, I can't understand it.
Why is he here?
I rush to my room door to open it. Nicole seems taken aback by the frantic state I'm in.
"Did you let him in?" I whisper.
"No, I didn't know if you were here," she whispered back, lost. Probably wondering why we're whispering.
Nicole works just as hard as I do in her school life, so she took a well needed rest day, secluded in her room. I'm not sure when she came out, I've been pent up in my room doing work. With the other girls being missing from the dorm apartment, she likely assumed I was too. Her room is also closest to the main door of our living space, which is probably the only reason she could hear that a guest had arrived.
