Warmth.
Carter is warm because it was what I felt, as he held my hand in his, in an extended shake at the birthday party. He's warm, because as I peered into his bright, inviting eyes, I found his soul. It was light. It was airy. It wrapped you in an embrace you never wanted to be free of. Carter is warm, because his presence makes you feel as though rain was a myth. Carter was the sun, and the sun never rains. Carter was warm, because as we have texted back and forth, the smile on my face has become an integral component of my standard appearance.
June, the girl who smiled.
Not the June who cried.
Or June, who deserved better,
Or June, who was too pretty for this,
Or too smart,
Or too good.
Not the June who was depressed and anxious.
June, the girl who was the epitome of radiant glee.
June, whom I found because it was warm.
Junebug.
Maybe I was warm once, before. Before him. Once he arrived there was a long, cruel winter. A winter that left no room for a Junebug to flourish. Or, it could be that the winter began far before he showed. That whispering chills, drops of snow, and falling leaves brought the first warnings of winter, without him having any involvement.
It's possible, that the first leaf fell when I watched my childhood crush date my best friend. It's possible, that the first wind blew when I became apart of a trio in high school, that forgot there were three of us. It's possible, that snow was in my forecast as the people closest to me used me for amusement, and abandoned me in their splendor. It's possible, that when I joined a new high school and became the object of beloved torment for a fallacious narcissist, the sun was but a figment of my imagination.
Maybe I had not been warm for a long time.
Maybe it was why I had taken to a drug so easily. Did using offer the illusion of warmth? Or had I found solace in the cold winter that I was now accustomed to? I could not be sure.
What I was sure of, was that amidst the cloudy winter skies, the sun began to shine so brightly that it had cleared its own path.
Summer was on the horizon as Carter brought the sun back to me. The visualization summons comparisons to the story of Icarus. I ponder over what it could be that makes Carter avoid burning up as he flies so close.
We had been keeping up our conversations for a week now. I informed him of my apprehension in texting him. I did not want to be weird. He dispelled my worries, by alleging that he was already certain that I was weird. He had told me so at the party. The laugh that bellowed out of me caused my roommates, who had been surrounding me at the time, to be bamboozled. I don't think they have ever witnessed such a reaction from me as the result of a man.
We had been texting for three days when he first suggested we call. His hands were about to be busy and he did not want me thinking that I was being ghosted. It was an obvious front to me, considering we had just started conversing, but I obliged nonetheless. He had told me he remembered hearing my voice, at the party, and liked it. It was soft, less like the harsh buzzing of a Junebug, more like the delicate flutters of a butterfly.
It had been the most endearing thing I have ever heard. Even in just a week, Carter had proved he wasn't short of endearing things to say. It almost felt too good to be true. The thought has raised my walls slightly, in caution. As genuine as he seemed, everyone is genuine until they aren't. Still, I look forward to every time my phone lights up with a new message from Carter.
It turns out, Carter knew Nora's brother from work. They started out together at the same law firm. Law. He was a lawyer. Carter now occupies a higher position at the same firm, he's a partner. Nora's brother left the firm, after his internship, to take over his father's business, some multinational conglomerate that was worth a ton. I had known that Nora's family was well off, but I never really asked about the details of how they amassed such wealth. Nor did I inquire about how much wealth they had, exactly. Carter told me that he still maintains a friendship with Nora's brother, and that they work together from time to time.
