total eclipse of the heart - carl grimes

VII

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vii.

ultraviolence
"blessed with beauty and rage"

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I step over shattered glass and debris, kicking open the door to a barrack. It swings wide, creaking loudly. Inside, the disarray hits me like a punch—overturned beds, empty shelves. It's all stripped bare, as if the chaos itself had come to claim it.

"Just check over there." I mutter, pointing Mary down the right hall. I need her to get away from me. I need a minute alone. Trekking down the left, forcing my feet to move as dread coats me from the inside out. I storm into a room, gun raised, scanning for anything, but all I see are further remnants of abandonment. My pulse races, panic clawing at my throat. No signs of life. No signs of them. My family—where the hell are they?

They wouldn't just vanish. They can't be gone. But every moment we linger here, the more hopeless this whole situation feels.

We check the next barrack. Then one of the houses. Then another. The further we move towards the back, the more untouched things become, as if the Saviors didn't even bother being thorough.

I'm standing in the kitchen of the last house, void of any one living or dead, trying to remember how to breathe when Mary is suddenly in the doorway behind me. The last person I want near me right now.

"Carl—"

"What?" I snap, not turning to look at her.

"Maybe they went to Oceanside."

I slam a chair to the ground, the crash echoing around us."That's a fucking stretch." My voice rises, echoing off the walls as the words pour out, sharp and venomous. "And where even the fuck is it? Do you know? 'Cause I sure as hell don't."

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want her here, but there's no escaping it now. It's too late, too much, and I can't take it anymore. I feel it slipping, every second in this dead place pulling me further down. All the anger I've felt towards her all these months is rattling through my teeth.

But her eyes are too soft, given how I'm speaking to her. She steps closer, reaching out like she's gonna touch me.

"Don't." I warn her, my voice low, dangerous.

She opens her mouth, to say what? I'm not sure. I don't care. I don't want to hear it.

"You shouldn't even be here!" I am shouting now, can't help myself. "Now I'm stuck babysitting you because you can't take care of yourself. You never should have waited for me. You should've left with everyone else. Because all I do is try to keep you alive and it's exhausting! You are fucking exhausting."

The softness melts from her eyes, leaving a bitterly hot flash of hurt.

"The Kingdom's gone. Alexandria's gone. Hilltop's gone. Every place we thought was safe is a God damn graveyard now! I thought this place would be it. Thought we'd finally be done with whatever bullshit mess this is where every second I have to worry about you because you're too fucking helpless to survive on your own." My heart is pounding so fast I feel like I might throw up. Pacing the kitchen, my mind spinning in chaotic circles, but no amount of movement can shake this feeling. "Thought I'd finally be fucking rid of you."

"Carl." She pleads, just my name, nothing more. Her expression shifting into something vulnerable, something that makes me want to scream and cry all at once. "What do you want from me?"

I open my mouth, but suddenly nothing comes out. She waits, her gaze cutting into me, but I can't find the words.

The truth is, I don't know what I want. Not anymore. Everything that's happened—everything we've lost—it's bled me dry. There's nothing left.