고통스러운 삶^^

30/9/24

I don't know if I'm having a bad day
I wouldn't feel even if I was having one
Everyday is the same
Filled with a lot of correction and self doubt
I've hugged them closely
Engulfed them through
I've started to write again, maybe my self harm is back
Maybe, I'm really hurting again too?
I do not know
Again, I don't feel any
I'm in a juxtaposition of unjustified pain and truth
Either to accept it really with clarity or sugarcoat it as much
I don't choose the latter no more
What's pain? I don't feel that anymore
I've hugged it close, called it mine, let it live as me

Its been a long anything has ever been about me, I don't know if I can coagulate myself into being an entity to a point of called "heard" or "enough" or just "me"
I've lost my identity with soberity a lot
I feel intoxication gets me happy, that's not me
Addiction isn't for me but I've called it my mine
Hugged it close, and it engulfed me
Because the world, well, it never treated me well
But my world seems to have crumbling a lot from the inside
House of Cards or am I just a sand that I've stepped on harshly only to see it fall apart, I do not know
I do not feel
Or maybe I do
Just afraid to admit?
I can't cry no longer
My voice box screams in pain growling for help
Hurting every inch of my body, for just some relief
For just, a hug
But grief has become my own, no hug sombers me to be sober
I'm very lost
Very unhappy
Very sad
Very lonely
I can't call myself my own
Neither do I feel I belong anywhere
Nor with myself neither in this world
All I find, are temporary escapes for a picture
That's too big to ever find a missing puzzle
To end.