Secrets of the Full Moon

Chapter 11

(TW- self-harm, vomit, blood)

I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach when all the memories from last night came flooding back in. After eventually pulling myself out of bed, I trotted down to the Great Hall. When I opened the doors and looked at the tables before me, I felt conflicted. At one end was the Marauders, which is where I would normally sit, but James and Sirius didn't even look up at me. At the other end was the girls. I didn't normally sit with them, but at the moment, they felt safe and comfortable.

Before I could make a decision, James finally looked up and made eye contact with me. I thought it was an opening to sit with them, so I made my way over there, but as I got closer, James got up and left, the rest following behind them. At least Remus and Peter gave me sympathetic looks as they passed. I attempted to just sit with the girls and make conversation, but the pit in my stomach just grew and grew until I couldn't take it anymore. I ran off to the bathrooms and made it just in time as I kneeled down, and the contents of my stomach came back up. It felt like my insides were trying to escape my body. Afterwards, I did feel a bit better, however, until I realised I had potions next, with James as my partner.

I entered the dungeons I laid my eyes on James and I's usual spot, and for some reason, he had his nose in a book. I made my way over and sat next to him, not ready to say anything to him just yet. Apparently he wasn't either because the only words we said during the entire lesson were just the steps needed to brew the potion. As the class dragged on, I could feel the tension hanging between us like a thick fog. Near the end of the lesson, everyone had finished their potions, and Professor Slughorn allowed us some time to chat with our friends. Sirius and Dorcas, his potions partner, were just in front of us, and of course, James and Sirius started up a conversation. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but a few phrases drifted over, and I couldn't help but feel they were directed at me.

"Can you believe she's actually hanging out with him?" James's voice dripped with disbelief, and I felt my stomach twist. "Honestly, it's pathetic," he continued, his tone sharp enough to cut through the chatter. "What happened to loyalty? She's turned into some kind of traitor."

Sirius, however, remained quiet for a moment, and when he finally spoke, his words were cryptic, leaving me unsure of his stance. "Some people think they can play both sides without consequences." He glanced at James, then back at the table, his expression unreadable.

James nodded, his frustration palpable. "Right? I thought she was one of us," he said, disbelief evident in his voice. "Guess she's just another lost cause."

Sirius shifted slightly, his gaze still averted. "Or maybe she just sees things differently. Not everyone is tied down by the past." The ambiguity in his tone left me questioning whether he was defending me or throwing me under the bus.

"I just wish she'd think before jumping into that mess," James replied, his voice filled with disdain. "She's ruining everything we've built. Who does she think she is?"

I leaned back in my chair, trying to drown out their words, but each phrase felt like a punch to the gut. Their ridicule cut deep, stinging more than I cared to admit. Their words practically knocked the wind out of me, and I was finding it hard to catch my breath. 

I was unbelievably grateful when the lesson ended. I didn't even hesitate to run out of there and right up to the astronomy tower. I didn't even think about going to my next lesson I just knew I wasn't going to last in there anyway, so what was the point in going? I sat up at the tower for a while, remembering the last time I felt like this. It was at Beaxbatons. I never managed to make friends there, so everyday kind of felt like this. As I started thinking back more, I remembered something I used to do to take the sting away. I thought when I moved here, I would never have to do it again, but at the moment, it seems like the only that is going to help me.