The ballad of John Fakename

It was a slow saturday morning over at my house. I was sloppily sitting on the couch, scrolling mindlessly through the newspaper. My eyes quickly glanced through that day's headlines: "Dolphin kidnaps 20 more victims", "15 year anniversary of the day this small child went missing", "CEO chokes to death on volleyball-sized dumpling"... Seeing all those stories made me realize all those people got their names in the history books. No matter how violently they died, they would be remembered all throughout history. What was I compared to all that? Nothing, my sad pathetic life amounted to nothing and I would die alone and unloved. Right then and there I came up with the perfect idea to make history. I stood up and screamed at the top of my lungs: "Listen to me, God, for I, Dave Dimmadopolus will go down in the history books for winning every single category of the 1992 Olympic Games or I will die trying!"

My first step towards a life of fame and adoration was signing up for the Olympics, but I had to sign up under a fake identity, or I could get caught and thrown out. It wasn't gonna be easy, but I devised the perfect ruse: I would be John Fakename, representing the country of Switzerworld. As you could see, my deception abilities truly knew no bounds. I'm in. Now what I need to do is demolish the competition in every category. I may have never touched a ball in my life, but all I needed to win was the inspiration from my local tea distributor Gaster Oids. A cup of his tea in the morning is enough to get me through the day, for some unexplained but amazing reason. I was ready, and day after day I bulldozed every game: Football, Basketball, Handball, Noseball, Swimming, Climbing, Breakdancing, Breaking my bones and dancing, Golf, Mini-Golf, Mega-Golf, Skateboarding, Wakeboarding, Waterboarding... I was the center of attention, everyone knew my name now! This was a dream come true, gold medals coming left and right, alongside the world's adoration. But there was still one competition left before I could declare myself as the winner of every single category of the 1992 Olympic Games: Tennis. I straddled with confidence onto the court, people from all over the world cheering my name. This was it, this was the only thing standing in between me and fame.

I was about to serve, but all of a sudden, a woman jumped from the bleachers, dodged the guards and jumped to the court, hugging me. 

-John???!!! Is it really you??!! It's me! Don't you remember? I'm your sister, Mary Fakename!! We thought you died when you got lost in the woods all those years ago!

I was dumbfounded. My clever lies have caught up and now I have to face the consequences. There really was a person named John Fakename out there?!

-Oh, uh, yes! It's me, your brother John. Sorry about that, uhhh, you know the forests of Switzerworld can be quite uhh dense, right?

-John what are you talking about, what the heck is a Switzerworld? We live in Connecticut.

-Y-yeah, that's what I said! I just picked a weird accent from the woods...W-well, I'm just glad you're alive, I missed you. Let's go back home with our family...

I have gone too far, I can't back out now! I can't tell this family I was pretending to be their lost son, I would break their hearts! I just had to keep going until there was a chance to escape.

-Uhh, yeah, let's go back to OUR family. Uhhh, goodbye everyone, I forfeit.

The judges, witnessing my sacrifice of love, decided to give me the gold medal anyway. I won! I did it! Now, years later, I'm living with the Fakename family, in their luxurious mansion in the Connecticut countryside. Not only do I get the satisfaction of being the best Olympian there ever was, but now I have a family that I truly love, even if I am impersonating their very own son.

In memory of Dave, who was violently murdered by the Fakename family after the real John Fakename came back

R.I.P.

Darius Caster-2024