real talk, i think you are amazing
at 15, you already understand your own choice and stick with it
i honestly envy that decisiveness and your self realization at that young age
at 15, i was busy running from home, keeping the candy of happiness in the form of friends from running out, not knowing it will eventually end, and when it did end, i was lost
that was my fault, my bad
i really wish i could have the same realization like you at that age, life would much easier if i'm that smart you know
you know, in my mind, i actually replayed this a fuck ton of times, and most of time the content was bout how you are so amazing and all, but this time i want to say fuck to myself and the barricade i put in my heart
just once, i want to be honest without need to care about what you will say
talking raw without filter anything
i regret a fuckton of things
like, a lot
i am a mess of human being
i like to kid myself that i love myself, but in order to love, you need to forgive. i'm yet to forgive myself for things i remember doing and not remember. i have a father issue, that's on me. i was busy running from the discomfort caused by my father's presence, and in the process, i may unknowingly reduce his presence in my life as much as i can. and eventually, i can't remember his presence. at first, i thought it was his fault, but then i realize it may be my fault too. yeah, he didn't taught me anything about life. like, he's ascetic as hell. i don't remember any memories where he taught me something about life. that maybe because my brain erase it, so i'm not really sure about that. so i try to jog my memories. there's this one time when i actually confronted him about this issue. the violent things and all. he said sorry. i kinda remember i said 'you can't do it like this and that, because this and that' and idk if the man actually listen or just pretend to heard. but he did say sorry. the man is awkward as hell. like, the only face i remember about him was the stoic face he always wear you know. so that moment may be the rare times he ever expressed himself. idk. idk anything about him, so it's all just a speculation. but, if it did, then i'm a massive fool for letting that golden times by running away from home. my only apparent happiness at that time was my friend in games, so i just diving in that joy. my fault. if i have the level of realization like you, i may catch the clue. because maybe, i just need to be there. physically. you're goddamn right when you said i lack the skill to communicate. i mimic our father's way of avoidance when it cames to presence. should not do that, my fault. even if the old man somehow got some bravery to communicate with me, it's futile. i'm not there. there will be no feedback from me since i don't respect him as a father, fully block any gap for him to know me. and it became a habit. i act like people knowing me equal to exposing my weakness. 20 years living with him, we both act like actual enemies, not father and son. especially in his later years when he's still healthy. so when he got bedridden, my reaction was not the best. it was not until later that i came into peace and actually try to help mother take care of him. well, acceptance was a more accurate word i think. he's already got his karma, no need for me to hold the grudge. turns out i was wrong. like, yeah, i don't hate him, but more like, he already holds no importance on me whatsoever. you were there when he died, but when he actually dead, i almost cried because i thought you would blame for his death. i know, it's fucked up. it was a reflexsive thought. it was not until i was with his dead body alone, that i got time to think. you know, when he's still sick, he said sorry again and at that time, i was pretty dismissive since there's no grudge and i believe i already forgive him. but that moment was the real forgiven. i never said this out loud and i keep it inside my heart as a lie that i don't believe but at that time, it was evident that i did believe it. it was about my canceled university life which eventually get me to where i'm now. i blame his sickness for it. i realize that i blame his misfortune for my misfortune. so i said to his dead body, i don't blame him. rest assured, i don't blame you. you may be a bad father, but this was just no luck for me. i remember i boasted this to mom. initially, i want to rant about how our father is just a sperm donor that held no value in me, but that's just wrong. so i just scrap that and write this instead. for how i paint him as an awkward man that's bad at parenting, he did teach me about risk. albeit rather rough on the edge. but the man forgot to teach me about action too. and that result in my overthinking and cowardice. yes, i'm a coward. when i finally take the blame for my life off of him, i got peace in return. and it shed light on my previously hidden cowardice. i'm running away. thought shielding myself with pain by barricade my heart was the correct choice. it was, but now, it haunts me instead. i hardly felt joy like actual happiness. i could hardly relive the feeling of love from my childhood days. i got peace but it was too silent. the silence is loud. and i'm lonely. i can laugh but have no humor. i thought going to bed early and wake up on time would correct my life. but i slept most of the time. having thought all the time, but my brain shut off when i need it. i could shout positivity and reminding myself i need to do it all the time but this hands wouldn't type anything for hours. i don't understand myself. i don't understand where the fuck is the wrong in me. i'm easily swayed in conversation. i can't think in conversation when the other person's presence is too loud. so forgive me if sometimes i look dumb when we talk. i just learn about this like a baby learn to walk. it may seem weird for you, but i don't have someone that could teach me. and you're too dominant. i'm sensitive. a little disengage and i'm done. and it could stick to me for a long time. i'm awkward like our father. so i felt more comfortable with chat rather than talking, because i can think before typing. this is an exception. i don't filter anything. i want to try. i want to try to talk my heart, you know, open to someone. because if i wait to open when i got my spouse like my imaginagion, it may be too late. i have attachement issue. afraid to commit to any relationship other than what's already established. so i was reluctant to accept your advancement. i'm sorry. i try to walk my own path. this was the first choice made by myself. so i would like to ask you to just let me walk without interference. i'm sorry, but i don't think i won't be swayed the second you assert dominance about my path. at the same time i'm a rebellious kid, so my sensitive side may just take the pain and not the actual advice. and i'm afraid of you. all this time, i thought i grown up, but i still sometimes riding to warnet and playing the games i used to play. it was not the same. the feeling's different. i sometimes observe those around me there and realize i'm not that different. i fucking regret that thought being a distrustful introvert was cool. i felt miserable now, knowing that it was already too late to make a good connection with my past classmate. i regret that time i can't took a group photo with them. only have memories with no real connection is fucking sad. now the last real connection is slipping away. and i already too apathetic to do something about it. fucking. it is what it is, but fuck this regret. he got his own life to live, what can i do other than accept it. begging for attention won't do shit. if you read this far, know that i know this may alter your perception of me. but i don't want know. i don't want to care. please, keep it to yourself. i want to try to open myself to someone other than myself. i have my own capacity to bottle up my thought. so if you even react a little bit, that may cause a seizure in my brain. i'm serious. i'm that sensitive. of course, you may react outside my range of thought, and it may not became the best outcome for me. but just for this time, i don't want to care. i'm sorry because i cannot be that cool brother you could boast to your friends. even tho i often boasting about you to my classmate. i regret. i don't love myself. i tried to. i really tried. i like boxing. i like watching streetfight and commenting about what they should do and what they shouldn't do. i like mr morale and the big steppers album, but only a few songs i truly liked. i love writing. ever since that time when i was writing a fan fiction about a stickman with big pencil that i know from a web game, in that old blackberry. my imagination runs almost all the time. it's not healthy, i know. i tried to reignite my feelings with movies, anime, comics, novels, and games. sometimes it succeed. but mostly, i got burnout instead. i still don't believe in myself for sending this to you. i don't hope for you to be incredibly kind to me after this or anything. if anything, i would like you to just ignore this when you wake up tomorrow. even now, i still doubt myself if i want you to read this or not. it's scary. a new thing that i cannot foresee the extent of its ripple. but you know, "grow up". i cannot start to forgive myself if i don't trust myself.
