TW: Vague mentions of sh, wanting to off myself, and stUfF, as well as ✨abandonment issues✨
So obviously I disappeared for over 2 years with no explanation whatsoever. And basically...
My mom found out.
Basically one night I was doing really bad and I told a friend who I knew from online school that I was gonna off myself (Hikaru, to be specific. If you had been in my discord server you might remember them.) and they told their mom and she told the school councilor who gave her my mom's phone number and she told my mom and my mom came into my room all angry at me bc apparently I'm so horrible for having her get woken up bc I'm depressed and was gonna... Yeah.
Anyways, their mom sent my mom screenshots of our messages and my mom found out I was on discord. That's not where it end tho. No, it gets worse. The messages included me mentioning I'm gay. And Hikaru mentioned anime characters like I should know them (I DID) and so my mom found out all kinds of banned stuff. That's when I got my phone taken away. She told me the NEXT NIGHT that she wished conversion therapy was legal.
Still doesn't end there tho. She went through all of the notes in my notes app, where I kept different poems and stuff that I wasn't even willing to post here, and found a list of things that I'm pretty sure are wrong with me. She promised me therapy and a psych eval, and can you guess if I've ever been to therapy? Nope! She still claims she "can't find somewhere for me to go" except my older sister had a therapist and so obviously there's places. She also found out about me sh-ing and would do things like snotily ask if a cat scratch was really a cat scratch even tho I told her I hadn't done anything in over a year. (Side note, still haven't relapsed, altho I've come close a few times. So it's been 3 and a half years almost now. 🥳)
A couple months later
Hikaru and I were talking about sTufF and their mom caught them and told my mom (but she'd deleted everything before thinking about telling my mom so she had no proof) and my mom got super mad at me and went through my phone bc she thought I somehow had broken the stupid mormon phone to make it let me have more apps (cuz Ru was on their computer and my mom doesn't understand that you can text from your computer with a lot of phones) and when she couldn't find ANYTHING I let her once again formulate the idea of "they were pretending it was you so their real gf wouldn't get in trouble" and I tried to convince my mom that no, their mom was just actually crazy but at least I didn't get in too much trouble. My mom confiscated my phone for a week for my dad to try and find anything and they never did cuz I'm just that good at hiding stuff.
I went from September of 22 to May of 23 with a cis het mormon boy who didn't like me as more than a friend and was ever so slightly homophobic as the only friend I had. Then I went to a church dance and for the first time ever was brave enough to ask someone to dance, was rejected (she said she wasn't in the mood to dance with anyone and then went and danced with someone else) and I was gonna go to the bathroom and cry but Carson (the boy) told me I should just ask someone else cuz it's bad to let a dance end in rejection and so I did and they said yes and I really liked them and then like a week later they told me they had a bf and I was so sad cuz like why would you not tell someone that when they walk up to you blushing and ask you to dance but ANYWAYS we were friends for nearly a year and a half and then one day at church camp they decided to tell their ex (the person they were dating when we first met) that they thought I had a crush on him bc they were jealous or something.
But like it's not my fault if he hugged me when I got there and someone who was supposed to be my best friend refused to. And it's also not my fault that whenever anyone I trust touches me that I become calm. They and this girl (who's hated me ever since they introduced me cuz she was jealous I was closer to them even tho they'd been friends longer) went of when I had him draw a butterfly on my hand cuz he wanted to draw on someone and they were whispering about me and then they got mad at one of my other friends for telling me after they told him which was SO unfair cuz like she and I had just met a couple days ago but we'd bonded over our trust issues and people talking behind our backs and she knew it was wrong to not tell me that my "best friend" was spreading rumors.
But then almost a week after we left camp I texted them and they sent me a stupid list of things that're wrong with me and a lot of it is stuff I can't control and then vaguely said that I've "made people uncomfortable" that they're friends with but almost the whole friend group took MY side even after hearing their point of view about everything so literally the only friend I could have made uncomfortable is Carlie (the one who hated me).
So yeah just when trust issues were starting to go away and I began to think maybe no one would abandon me, they did and now I have trouble making friends and talking to them again cuz I think I'm gonna make them want to leave me.
Anygays a month later I got a new phone, was scrolling through youtube videos for the first time in a billion years and came across a lot of therian videos and looked it up and apparently there's an explanation for me feeling my ears and tail there when they're not, and the feeling of the need to run on all fours so yeah I'm a therian, still trying to figure out what all my theriotypes are tho.
Another thing I've realized is I'm probably ✨autistic✨ so that's fun.
And then a few months ago Audrey (@notevenme77) emailed me and I was so happy and freaked out and now we're best friends again.
Also I started college so that's fun, I'm in real school again after like 5 years.
