comparison is killing me | Ninjago

Chapter 2

Jay had never been the jealous type. He'd never grown up being jealous of people in movies, or those he read about in newspapers. He appreciated what he had, who he was, and the people he had around him. Being exposed to the rest of the world and how cruel it was changed that all.

He hated using the term 'jealousy'. He didn't consider himself jealous of anyone. He never wished he had what other people had to such an extent that he wanted to change so desperately. Every now and then he found himself thinking 'I wish I was that cool' or 'they're so pretty, if only I looked like that' and to him, it didn't feel like jealousy at all, but rather his way of appreciating just how amazing everyone was. It wasn't until recently that he realised perhaps jealousy was taking over his body.

Was jealousy really a bad thing though? It's not like he wanted to swap places with anyone. He wouldn't wish on anyone to take away what they have to then replace it with Jay's much less enticing version, he just wanted what everyone else had. He just wanted to be like them.

Once he realised those thoughts circling his mind were just a result of his insecurities, the envy began corrupting his mind. He couldn't go back.

But he tried his best to ignore it. There were much more important issues right now, like these mech designs Wu had asked him to complete.

Usually Nya was the mech designer, however, Wu had overheard a conversation between Jay and Zane a few weeks ago where Jay had been discussing the fact he missed designing and inventing. Wu thought it was the perfect opportunity to give Jay some much needed creative freedom. Designing seemed to take his mind off everything pretty well.

He sat at his desk most nights, sitting in cosy lighting with a hot chocolate, sketching away. First he roughly planned out his ideas, scribbling down little things he'd thought about during the day that seemed cool. Then he'd pick things out from the list he created, putting things together and seeing what worked. He already had two mechs figured out - Lloyd's and Kai's. They seemed okay but could do with some better details. Now, he found himself at the actual designing process. Sketching was fun, he'd always enjoyed it as a kid, but when he felt so pressured to finish it sooner rather than later, it became more of a chore. Chore or hobby though, he was distracted. That's what mattered.

Luckily the lack of time to scroll on Chirp the last few days was helping too.

He sketched light pencil lines in his sketchbook, going over and over the same spots until something else came to mind. He had rough ideas but it didn't seem like much help when he was finally putting everything down onto a final sketch. Perhaps he should've started with some rough drafts. He'd finished the main part of the mech already but nothing was really calling to him.

Well, besides that mirror in the corner of his eye.

He'd tried his best to ignore it but perhaps if he was really smart, he would've turned it over. Something about the desperacy to not look at it kept him going though.

Although sometimes that desperacy gets the better of you.

His reflection was staring back at him. He gritted his teeth, almost as if an enemy were watching him from across a crowded room.

That crowded room was his mind.

Being so worried about himself felt selfish when he had much bigger, more important things to be focusing on. Even after telling himself off everytime he thought about his own worth, his mind still kept on running back to the same issue.

How was he going to be better?

It was evident he needed to adapt - because changing yourself for someone else was wrong - but he just wasn't entirely sure how to do it. How could he just alter things about him, but not in a way that necessarily changed who he was? As much as he wanted to change everything about himself and become a completely new person and start from scratch, he knew deep down that not only would he be disappointed in himself for changing for someone else's shitty opinions, but so would his family and friends. Not to mention Nya would give him a lecture about how she liked him 'best when he's himself'. However, if he wasn't going to entirely change himself and only alter a few things to make himself a better person, that would be okay, right? He just wanted to improve.