Torn: Sequel to Ruthless

Chapter 16

Kai is gone.

The words repeat in my head like a mantra, but they still don't make sense. Kai is gone. He's not here. He's not coming back. My chest aches like I've been hollowed out, like something inside me has shattered into pieces I can't even find. I want to scream, but my throat is so tight, it feels like I can't breathe.

He's gone.

I sit on the cold ground, my back pressed against a rough stone wall, my knees pulled up to my chest. My sword is still in my hand, useless now. I couldn't save him. I keep staring at the blood on the blade, at my hands. His blood. I've seen so much death in this place, so many people fall, but nothing prepared me for this. For him.

I close my eyes, hoping it'll block everything out, but all I see is his face—his eyes, the way he looked at me before... before everything. The way he smiled at me when he thought I wasn't looking. That stupid, crooked smile.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here. Time doesn't seem to move the same way anymore. The world feels distant, muted, like I'm underwater. I hear muffled voices somewhere, maybe Apollo and Seena. I can't bring myself to care. Nothing matters right now. Not the Games, not the Capitol, not even my own survival.

Not without Kai.

I shouldn't have let him fight. I should've done something to stop it. I keep going over it in my head, how it all went wrong so fast. One minute we were planning, we were together, and the next...

I hear a sob before I realize it's mine. I bury my face in my hands, trying to stifle it, but the tears come anyway, hot and angry. I can't cry. I can't break down now. Not here. Not like this. But the more I try to stop, the harder it gets. My whole body shakes, and I choke on the sobs, gasping for air.

I never told him.

I never told him how I felt. I thought we had more time. I thought... I thought I could keep it to myself, that maybe it didn't matter because of the arena, because we were all going to die here anyway. But it mattered. It matters. And now he's gone, and I'm left here with these feelings I'll never get to say, with the memories of moments we never had.

I keep replaying the last few seconds in my mind. The way his eyes met mine, full of determination, full of something unspoken. He didn't even flinch when the knife hit him. He just... he just looked at me. Like he wanted me to remember something, or maybe he was trying to say goodbye. I don't know. I'll never know. I take a shaky breath, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand, but the tears keep coming. I can't stop them. I don't want to. I want to hold onto this, this pain, because it's all I have left of him. It's the only thing that feels real in this nightmare.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, my voice breaking. "I'm so sorry, Kai."

My hands tremble as I reach out, touching the spot where he fell. There's nothing there now, just bloodstains and dirt. But I feel him. I feel the weight of everything we could've been. Everything we'll never be. It's not fair. None of this is fair. He deserved so much better than this—better than dying in this cruel, twisted game for the Capitol's entertainment. He deserved a life outside of this place. He deserved a future. He deserved... me. Maybe we deserved each other.

But now, he's just... gone.

I sit there for what feels like hours, my head resting against the wall, the cold seeping into my bones. I don't want to move. I don't want to face the rest of the arena, the tributes, the endless violence. Without him, it feels pointless. What's the point in winning if he's not here to share it with me?

But I know, deep down, that I can't stay here forever. I have to get up. I have to keep moving. Because if I don't, then everything he sacrificed will be for nothing. So, I stand up, slowly, feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know how I'm going to keep going without him. But I have to. For Kai.

I wipe my face again, steeling myself. I'll make it through this. For him. I'll win this thing, if only to make sure his death wasn't meaningless. I'll keep him with me, in every step, every breath, until I make it out of this hell.

And then, maybe... maybe I can finally let myself mourn the boy I never got to love.