goofy ass title ik
kinda stupid of me to post this considering I just got reported but idc fuck you wattshit
anyway
so trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts, depression
i'm sorry i don't want to burden any of you but i need to write this down
I feel so incredibly alone
I still talk to my friends from colorado but lately it feels like some of them are drifting away and who can blame them? I'm three states away, an hour ahead, and they're busy
it's not their fault
the dark moments tend to come at night
when Im alone with my thoughts
for whatever reason maladaptive daydreaming doesn't take over then
I haven't made it a full week since the school year started without crying at night
i get little twings in my chest
anxiety I think
can't tell my parents cause my dad won't believe me and my mom will start treating me like some pysch ward patient like she did with my sister
at school it's like there's this chain around my tongue
it's so hard to talk to people
terrifying really
so hard to get close to them
sometimes I think it's because they all secretly dislike me
at the same time I can't really be me
because my younger sister goes there
i can't talk about kpop or being queer or even fucking swear
because she can't keep her mouth shut and it'll get back to my dad
it's another part of me chained away
i think about cutting myself so often it's terrifying
about how I'd do it in placeses where nobody could see
it'd be a relief of sorts I think
and then I think about my friend and how much she struggled with self harm
how she'd check me and all of our friends weekly to make sure we hadn't cut ourselves
i can't i can't i can't i cna't i can't im sorry
at this point I'm just existing on this plane of reality
not really making an attempt to live
it's either maladeptive daydreaming or dissociation
i miss colorodo i miss my friends
i want to fucking go back
