Through the wall

III

He had a daughter who was almost six years old, and he was alone.

The words echoed in his mind, a constant refrain amidst the panic he felt, often dulling the pain of losing his best friend in the world.

The room was dark. Off sat with his elbows resting on his knees, head in his hands. He knew he ought to leave the bedroom and go downstairs, but he didn't want to. Fortunately, his parents had come to stay with him for a while—he couldn't imagine how he would have survived everything that had happened otherwise.

He had a daughter who was almost six years old, and he was alone.

The words kept reverberating in his head. He glanced out the window and saw Gun sitting on the terrace, legs crossed, holding a cushion in his lap. As if his life wasn't already a disaster, the fact that he couldn't even bear the thought of being with him made everything worse. He felt like the most despicable person in the world. His wife was dead, his daughter had no mother, and here he was, thinking about his own loneliness, his panic, and his neighbour. He could easily win the prize for being the most selfish person alive. Tears started streaming down his cheeks as the darkness in the room seemed to close in on him. He was going to get up and leave the room, but not that night.

Hours later, small arms wrapped around his neck, gently waking him.

"Daddy, I want to sleep with you." Still groggy, Off reached out, lifted his daughter onto the bed, laid her on his chest, and held her close.

"Hello, sweetheart. How's daddy's favourite girl?" he asked, breathing in the scent of her hair. If there was anything beautiful left in his world, it was his daughter. He had never thought it was possible to love someone so much. Everything was worth it because of her.

"I missed you. You didn't come to kiss me goodnight last night. Grandma said you were tired and needed to sleep. Are you sad because mummy went away with the grandparents?" The question hit him like a slap. How do you comfort someone when your own heart is broken?

"A little, but I know she's happy to be with them. And she left you and me behind so we could take care of each other, love each other, and be happy." He was glad his daughter couldn't see the tear rolling down his temple in the darkness.

"Is it true she's not coming back?" she asked, her head buried in his chest. She seemed to already know the answer.

Off sat up and gently placed his daughter in front of him on the bed. He stroked her hair and said softly, "Sammy, mummy passed away, like the grandparents did. Mummy will always love you, and she'll always be your mum. She didn't leave us, but we won't be able to see her anymore. Even so, she'll always be a part of you." He tried to hold back the lump in his throat.

"How can she be a part of me? If I want to see her, I can't?" Off took her small hands and placed them over her heart.

"Mummy will always be right here, in your heart. You can talk to her when you say your prayers and tell her anything you want. She'll be listening."

"And if I want to ask her things, talk to her?"

"That's what daddy's here for, okay? You can talk to me about anything, anytime. We're a team now, Sammy and daddy. I love you, and you love me, right?" The girl nodded.

"Good. So, from now on, it's just the two of us. When we miss mummy, we can tell her all about what we've been doing in our prayers. We'll go to the places she liked and do the things the three of us enjoyed. What matters is that you and I are together. You're not alone because daddy loves you, and I'll always be here for you."