Dear Jewel

D.D#1

1st October 2024
2:12am.

Dear diary

I'm laughing
I'm crying
I'm smiling
I'm dying but I'm still so fucking high it makes me want to laugh and pull my hair out bit by bit!! Can u imagine?! It's so funny!

Oh my gods! I'm going through such an emotional and identity crisis I can't seem to think anymore! I think I've reached the breaking point!!

Don't tell anybody especially bee and Cosmic, she's been so worried but I'm fine!! Really! I think?

Is fine laughing while I'm not in control of my own thoughts anymore???

I don't know, maybe it is for me. 

I have so many voices and personalities I feel like I'm going insane!! There's so many people I want to be, and many I don't but still am!! It's confusing.

I'm going insane right now. I don't know why! Zoe, are you talking? I don't know.

She told me to take a backseat! I'm floating away, like my body's in space. She says I'll be fine.

You know how most people think that when you enter your heads space, it's meant to be Al quiet and alone... not for me...

Everywhere is so brightly colored and lights keep flashing infront of my eyes. Bright enough to blind me even! I honestly don't get it sometimes and it's so loud that I just want to ram my head against the wall and tell it to stop making noise. But that didn't work. Maybe if I did a direct headshot with a gun. Ugh, this is like the 10th time I've thought of doing that, and it seems so fucking soothing right now.

There's so many missing pieces of my soul that are floating everywhere. Do help me catch them... or not. I don't think you'd want to touch broken glass. You'll get hurt too, and then you'd start bleeding and bleeding, and oh my! So much blood.

Why am I giggling now? Eleanor is trying to comfort me, but I don't need comfort cause I'm fine!

Looking back now, Cielo is who I am yet Yin is still there, and they are still part of me I can't escape.

There's also Laroi and Carlos but don't tell anyone okay? Oh, and Idalia too!! Bee already knows about her though! That was the person they first met.

Yin always tries to please others
Yin doesn't want to be alone but craves it cause they'll hurt and exploit others.

Yin just doesn't want people to leave them and tries pleasing them! Yin is very funny. They always try to be in control again--

Hold on, who's in control now?

... I started laughing again! My hands are shaking. Now my chest is heavy! Oh Cielo, (am I cielo?) Look what you've done to yourself (who am I? )
Now you're going to hurt yourself again.

I'm sorry! Diary, this isn't me. I should give you a name now. How about... Jewel? No, that's my name! My real name... hmm... such an irony....

Your name's Jewel now!

What am I doing?... Cielo, stop!
Hi Jewel, I'm back! It's Eleanor-- no it's Zoe, oop- now I think it's Mei.

Now it's no one. It's blank.. 

....
Signed, Nutella.
:)

2:41am.