Dear Jewel

D.D#2

1.19pm
1st October 2024

|BETTER|

Dear Jewel,

I think I'm not going to live anymore.

But... I'll live as someone else?... I don't know... Commiting to the embrace of death is honestly much more tempting than going through with everything on Earth...

I honestly thought that being Cielo, it would help, but Yin did too much damage that I can't let go of them.

It's like when you've got a favourite real dirty white shirt covered in mud, you decide to wash it. You try so hard, and when you think it's finally clean, you bring it out of the water. Only got it to come out clean, yes, but with lingering brown stains still on it. You want to throw it away, but because it's your favourite or maybe even all you have, you cling to it, and you keep wearing it  with the brown stains. No matter how hard you wash, no matter how hard you try to let go... you still think it can come back clean and new.

That's what Yin is... the brown stains on my body and mind... I try letting go but it's like I'm not even in control anymore.

I don't know who I am most of the time and who's in control anymore. ..

HA! HAHA! HAHAHHAHA!! IM SO FUCKING PATHETIC, RIGHT?!

WELL SCREW ME AND SCREW YOU CAUSE YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! Cielo, calm down.

Shut up!

No!

I tried... I try, but It's not working, and maybe I should've gotten help sooner, but I can't talk to anyone when I've got you guys and thought that helps, but no...

You're my friends the voices, but it hurts with all these different people taking over and all these persona's everywhere.

It hurts, and I'm tired, and I need a fresh blank page.

Where nobody knows me.

I guess this was the best way....

Hey, Jewel. Did you know I changed my Wattpad username to the first original one. Where Idalia was there... something about finding my roots on wattpad makes it easier to let go.

I'd hate to leave behind everyone, but I'm tired and want to start anew and write books and make friends and be me. But I dont know who me is anymore, and I can't with Yin always trying to take over. I don't know why, but... I think it's time to end this.

It's so easy to pretend you're okay! Is it a good thing that I'm good at covering how I feel just about help others..  putting others first.. it hurts so much. And if I feel like I can talk to someone it's hard to open up and I don't know how! Because panicking and stressing out I can't say that without scaring them away. So, no I won't open up to the others. Let them not leave, don't let them go. It's okay I can take a little more. I'll be fine! I'm African so I shouldn't be so emotionally weak when my ancestors went through worse

Yes, my literature teacher  tells me that the Whites are weak-minded and that's why Africans are so much stronger than them. She says they drop faster than flies if they even encounter stress.

I want to blow up and strangle her and tell her that we all are human and just cause my ancestors were able to hold doesn't mean I can't!! Why won't they understand?.. that's everyone's different?

And also? Fuck racism. I feel like humans just never learn.

But I want to cry because I can't do that. I can't n̈do anything! I'm useless- I'm sorry to my friends that I let down. Thank goodness they don't see this.

Maybe next week, when I'm already gone then I'll share this. Or even if I don't one of my voices might do it before me. I don't care either way. I just hope that nobody sees it and think nothing of it .

**

You know, back on Friday, my classmate asked why I was staring into face with that empty look on my face. It's surprising how I remember that when I was disconnected and contemplating suicide!

Cielo, you have to try to.
Whose side are you even on?

I won't be like this. I'm going to find myself-- please don't!

I'm going to be better.
You won't, it's no use!

I'm going to--

Blank*

2.16pm
Nutella :)