BJ Tharn [Completed]

Finale

Chapter 23

"Missing you comes in waves. Tonight, I'm drowning."

Good morning to you Phi, or is it night time in your area? It's the 2009th day since I left Thailand, and this is my last letter to you. You might dislike me so much to have not replied in any of the more than 365 letters I sent you. But it is okay. Even if you feel apathy towards me, my feelings for you have not changed. We are doing well here in Los Angeles, and I could say that is an understatement. Business boomed better than in Thailand, much to my Por's delight. I should be happy for them, but I cannot find the energy to do so. You must have already moved on, and I am happy for you, too if that is the case. Out of all the people in the world, you deserve to be genuinely happy. As for me, I will strive to find happiness without you. I have existed 18 years without you, and it is just logical that I could live my succeeding years without you, even if I want you. I'm starting university again, studying to become a music producer. I have probably graduated once this email got sent. And probably you already have someone new, and I am happy for you if that is true. You deserve a love that is pure and true, even if it is not with me. Meeting you has been one of the highlights (or even low haha) of my life. Keep you chin up always, Phi, and never listen to the demons haunting you every hour of the day. You are loved, you are worth it, and i hope that by this time you believe that too. You are nothing short but lovable, and if I am ever reborn, I hope to be able to love you again and again and again until the universe will get tired and allow us to be together. I hope that your dreams will come true, and that you always go to sleep dreaming of happy things. Thank you so much, for everything, my everything.

Yours until today, Gulf

Gulf stared at the email he had sent to himself that he had drafted a lifetime ago. It has been 5 years until everything, but his heart still ached at the memories. He tried to remove the negativity surrounding him upon reading that letter and got angry at himself for placing a reminder regarding that note or at the fact that he wrote daily for a year and then occasional letters when he felt like it. In the first year, he sent emails daily. When he got no reply, he tried toning it down and kept everything in his drafts.

"It will be the first day of work tomorrow. I cannot afford to be emotional and distracted because of a past fling." He silently told himself as he prepared for his rest that he would be an Assistant Producer at Dive Entertainment tomorrow.

Gulf managed to land a job after two years of leaping from one part-time job to another, and he aimed to keep the new job permanently. He left Los Angeles after graduating and landed a job here in New York City, supposedly the city that never sleeps. Gulf agrees, as moving into this city has kept him up all night wondering if he has enough money to afford his basic needs or think about the fact that he doesn't know what he is doing with this life despite being in his mid-20s. Regardless of the succinct portrayal of social media regarding New York, Gulf found it hard to love. New York is too lively for his lonely persona. New York is not, and will never be, his home.

'But that could change.' Gulf hopes. 'I can be happy here — I will be happy here by myself. I do not need any man to be happy.' He thought to himself as he put on the gold ring that his Por gave him upon graduating.

As he steps out the balcony of his 24-square-meter unit, he is greeted not by the warmth of the sun nor the salty wind of the sea but by fumes, garbage, and acceptance. At the end of the day, Gulf is still thankful for the opportunities despite the pain it took him to pay for it. He could only laugh at how a memory turns into a bad dream, wanting to punch himself for his naivety. Life is not like those romantic comedies he loved to watch before, as there is no happy ending for a guy like him.