Guy and Reason

Chapter 18 (Eden/Reason): That'll Be Enough

"'I've come up to ask you to go for one of our old time rambles,'" Guy said when I opened the door to him, then he grinned self-consciously. "I had to cut the quote off there because it's not September and there aren't any hills we can go over where spices grow."

With those words, memories of our junior year of high school that I'd suppressed came rushing back at me. I'd had an English teacher who'd introduced us to authors from around the world, and one three-week segment of the class was devoted to Canadian authors. It was during that time I fell in love with L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables series, and I'd been so enchanted that I'd read the first one to Guy and by the second book we were taking turns reading chapters to each other. He'd just quoted Gilbert Blythe from Anne of the Island, and I didn't miss the significance and circumstances of the quote.

I just chose to ignore them, even if my heart pounded wildly.

"Please?" he added.

"Is this about A Reason?"

He shook his head. "No. The offer has nothing to do with anything other than it's a beautiful Saturday for a walk."

I thought about it so long, Guy spoke up.

"It's a walk, Eden. No more, no less. For an even more positive spin, it's good, low-impact exercise out in nature."

Put like that, I could do a walk. Exercise was good.

"OK," I said. "Let's walk."

Fortunately, I was already dressed for a walk, so I grabbed my keys, locked my door and fell into step beside Guy. For a while, there was just silence, but when we made it to the woods behind my apartment complex, Guy spoke.

"This is why I refused to find you," he said when the shade from the tree canopy covered us. "Knowing we're in the same town again for the first time in three years...well, it's been hard not to camp out on your doorstep every day. I knew if I knew where you were after you disappeared following graduation, I wouldn't be able to stay away."

He shot me a look that I wish I hadn't intercepted because it said so much to me.

" But I couldn't do that to you, Eden. A cut can't heal if you keep reopening it, and I knew after what I'd done, you needed to heal without me begging you to forgive the unforgiveable. You didn't need me in your face as a reminder of the way I'd betrayed you."

He took me by the arm and stopped me. "And I would have been in your face before I was ready to be. I had to work on myself, Eden. I couldn't come back to you until I had worked on myself."

"I didn't heal that first year, Guy. I just kept putting bandage after bandage on the cut."

I didn't really heal completely in year two or three, either, but he didn't need to know that.

"I know," he said gently. "And that killed me, watching it happening on your social media. Not because of what you were doing but because of why you were doing it. Knowing that what I'd done had caused you to do something so out of character, so not you."

"Part of it was just trying to move on, but I admit I wanted to hurt you."

"You did, but maybe not in the way you intended to. Each guy was another mark against me, the ever-growing tally of all the ways my cheating hurt you." 

"And you think you can make this up to me somehow?"

"No. Anyone who thinks they can make up for cheating on someone is deluded."

"So what's all this, Guy?" I asked.

"Today, it's just a walk."

"Guy." My impatience was evident.

"This is a walk, Eden. Like our old-time Anne and Gilbert rambles."

We'd walked for hours and dreamed. Back then, it had been hand in hand, when we'd still been idealistic and innocent about our future. Before we understood that bad things could happen to us, to our love turning our bright future dark and ugly.

"Let's just walk, Eden. Let's notice the simple things that used to make us smile. That's all."

When had I last done that?

The answer was easy. Before Guy had cheated and broken us. 

Maybe, for today, I could let go of the pain and just go for a walk not with the boy I'd loved, not with the boy who'd hurt me so badly but with a man named Guy.

"Let's walk, then," I said.

He pointed out the sun sneaking through the leaves, the trunks of two trees twisting around each other, an old nest that had fallen and was tucked among the branches of a pine tree. I'd slowly started pointing things out, and before long we were talking more and laughing.

 "So how did you remember that Gilbert Blythe quote?" I asked as we jumped over a tiny stream.

Guy gave me a half smile. "I'll tell you if you really want to know, but keep in mind you asked so no eye rolling."

"I want to know. I'll decide if it's eye-roll worthy or not."

"I've been rereading the series for the last three years. Reading them together in our junior year...I loved those memories, Eden, so rereading the books brought those memories back and kept them close. I've been living off the good memories since I blew everything up."

He was watching my face closely. 

"You didn't roll your eyes," he observed.

"No, I didn't. It's hard hearing that," I admitted. "Because to me, everything before your cheating became a lie."

"The cheating was the lie, it was the fault in me. It wasn't how I felt about you, Eden. It was something that went terribly wrong within me that led to me ruining our relationship. But I never stopped loving you."  

I made a face.

"I know," he said. "As unbelievable as it seems, I wouldn't be here, three years later, if I'd stopped loving you. I wouldn't have worked hard on myself if I'd stopped loving you. I wouldn't have lived my life the way I have been since I lost you if I'd stopped loving you. I can never take back what I did, but I could make sure that I worked hard to become a healthy man who would never do that again."

"Do you know I swore to never talk with you again? And now I'm walking with you and talking about the most painful thing that ever happened in my life."

He came so close to me there were just inches between us.

"When Gilbert asked Anne for an old time ramble, what'd they finally talk about?"

I couldn't form the words to answer his question, but I didn't need to because Guy continued.

"He told her about the dream he'd always had, even when she'd given him no hope, of them having a life together. I've always had the same dream. Against all odds, against any reasonable expectation, deep down I've never given up hope of us.  Of us someday being able to build a life together."

"Guy, you can't put your life on hold for a long shot."

"I can. It doesn't mean it'll happen because that's entirely up to you. But if I don't get anything more from you than an old time ramble, that'll be enough for me, Eden."