Today, I Might Live Again

TIMLA 01

TIMLA 01

All that motivation last night, and yet I'm stuck again the moment I woke up. I don't even have an idea where to start or what to do. I'm just... simply glued to where I am right now.

"Maybe I should just disappear, huh?" I gently caressed the head of the stray all-white kitten I found near our house, watching it eat the cat food I brought.

I was sitting on the grass with my nightclothes on.

This isn't the first time I fed stray cats and kittens. In fact, it's part of my daily routine to roam around and search for them. My mother hasn't still allowed me to have pets because she believes I'm not yet ready for the responsibility. That's why this is the only option I have now.

However, this is the first time I saw this chunky white kitten around this area. I'm not even sure if it's really stray or not, but it has been wandering like a literal lost cat, so it's settled. It's a stray cat, in my opinion.

"Everyone has something to do. Iyong iba nag s-study. Others naman nagw-work. Some were busy doing their hobbies and things they're passionate about. Most of them have friends... pets... boyfriends, girlfriends... important events. Like, how about me? I'm busy with what? Pestering other people's lives? Interfering with their decision-making? And... searching for stray cats to feed?" I ranted, earning meows from the kitten.

I sighed, shaking my head. "Like... I get it naman. I have something to do rin naman. Iyon tutoring sessions ko with Redd, I do it four times a week, a few hours per session! It's not like I'm super tambay! But still! It's unfair! I don't know what to do... I can't figure out anything aside from my other... not-so-great goals! And to think na I'm turning 18 na next year? I'm an adult at that time... and still stuck with my childish, old self!"

The kitten meowed again, but this time a little bit louder. It was probably deafened by my unending complaints about my boring, directionless life.

"Tell me, Whitey? What am I supposed to do now?" I slightly calmed down, recalling the list of things I could do in my spare time.

I could learn how to cook, ride a bike, swim, paint, write, sing, dance, crochet, and the list could go on. I have resources to try all those things... But honestly, I find all of them a waste of time. 

What if... I'll die next week? Or next month? Or next year? What if... I don't really have much time left for me to live? What am I supposed to do with my limited time?

It must be something deep, a valuable one. At kung usapang ganoon din naman, I should just continue pursuing my plans with Carylle.

I have always been determined to do that anyway. But I don't know what's with this day that I could not even find enough drive to pursue anything, even that one goal that I had.

"I think I'm this close to going insane, Whitey!" I even showed the kitten the tiny gap between my thumb and index finger to emphasize my frustration.

When I realized that I'd receive no response from the innocent being, I just shut up and stared at the bright, blue sky with clouds rolling lazily on the horizon.