THE WEIGHT OF A HEARTBEAT - RiseUp collaboration (short story)

The Weight of a Heartbeat

They say grief is just love with nowhere to go.

If that was true, then Allix Nelson was absolutely buried in it. A weight tethered to every heartbeat, drawing each tender heartstring so taut they threatened to snap against the load. In fact, she was almost certain many of them already had, popping like strands on the bow of a violin.

The sounds she'd made that night. Brutal, animalistic wails, as she hugged her arms to her chest in a vain attempt to hold herself together against the wave of devastation and tears. Barely able to draw in a single breath between the onslaught. She'd never experienced anything like it before, and if that was the consequence of falling in love, Allix wanted no part of it ever again.

Alone in her high school bathroom, fresh tears assailed her and Allix swallowed a muffled cry against the palm of her damp hand. Now was not the time to lose herself to sorrow but she couldn't stop the torrent. It had only been ten days since she broke up with Eduardo and her heart still ached like a rotting tooth that festered more and more as the days stretched on.

"C'mon, Allix. Seriously? Get it together . . ." She faced her reflection—but her warm brown skin and shoulder-length curls were little more than a blurred mess behind a liquid wall of her agony. "Exams start in an hour, and you need a solid 98% if you want that scholarship. You need that scholarship." Her chin stiffened in determination.

But her heart gave a single, defeated stutter. Boys. Why had she ever allowed herself to get caught up in one? Never mind that he had been ridiculously attractive and smart . . . and funny and super thoughtful. Never mind that he'd made her feel seen with his caring gestures and consistent attentiveness, showing up for her in ways no one ever had before.

If 'if he wanted to he would' were a person, it would've been Eduardo. Yet . . . despite being so good on paper, what did he do? He cheated with his ex-girlfriend. And screenshots of those flirtatious messages later found their way into Allix's DMs from some finsta account asking: this your man, sis?

Smirking emoji added at the end just to rub some salt in the wound. Those screenshots haunted Allix nearly every second of the day, and even if she managed to somehow forget for a spare moment, it wasn't long before it leapt up to slap her in the face.

Eduardo had been her first. She had been his second.

And despite what she'd thought had been almost eight incredible months together, plus her virginity, two weeks ago he decided the girl he really wanted to be with was his ex. Gorgeous. Talented. And half a world away—hence their breakup—but apparently moving back to Toronto in a month's time.

The first day of their breakup she'd been numb from shock, but soon sadness took hold and transformed into something far more insidious as his betrayal wrenched to the surface all her deepest fears of inadequacy that coalesced into a storm of grief lodged in her chest. So vast it was nearly impossible to breathe through the weight of it all. And no matter what she did or how hard she pushed herself, the dense clouds thundered ominously inside her, reminding Allix how precarious her footing was.

As a young Black girl, she navigated her way through life walking on a tightrope. One small shift in balance or weight, and she'd topple over. Fall.

And Allix Nelson did not fall.

Allix swiped her damp palms on her thighs—water seeping into denim—and was about to pick up her discarded backpack when a flash of colourful text from the poster on the wall caught her eye.

FOR EVERYTHING YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE

The RiseUp powered by Kids Help Phone program had reached the halls of her school little over a month ago in a series of posters and announcements during a morning assembly. Like most of her peers, she hadn't given it much thought until the night Eddy broke her heart. She'd opened her journal to write down the mess of her thoughts when she'd found the bookmark Mr. Burton had handed out following his speech discussing the importance of seeking out mental health support systems. The thin paper was stamped with contact details and statistics of affected youth—especially Black youth.