Through the Lens of You | Billie Eilish fanfic

Chapter 12: The first cut is the deepest

Returning to Chicago felt like stepping back into a familiar embrace. The city wrapped around me with its lively hum, the bustling streets teeming with life. My apartment was just as I had left it, a comforting chaos of books, photography prints, and memories that reminded me of who I was before the whirlwind of tour life swept me off my feet. It all seemed like a lifetime ago.

As I settled back into my routine, I felt a familiar comfort wash over me. The next days, I caught up with friends over drinks at our favorite spots, reminiscing about old times while trying to bury the thoughts of Billie beneath the surface. I threw myself into work, immersing myself in the creativity and camaraderie of the cast and crew at the theater. The hustle of late-night rehearsals and capturing the essence of the production filled my days and helped distract me from the void her absence had created.

But deep down, I couldn't shake the feeling of longing that hung in the air. It was almost two weeks after I returned that Billie finally sent a message, her words slicing through the veil I had tried to draw over my heart.

Billie: 'Hey, I got your message. Sorry for taking so long... I can't stop thinking about our kiss... it was everything I thought it would be, but even more overwhelming. I feel guilty for how I reacted—it was childish, and I know that it's my fault you left. I wish I could ask you to come back, but I'm not sure how I'd act around you yet, and I don't want to hurt you any more than I already did, you know... with me leaving, and then vanishing. But, I really miss you, too.'

Reading her message felt like a knife twisting in my heart. I had grown accustomed to her silence, but this opened the floodgates of emotions I had tried so hard to contain. Guilt gnawed at me, too, as I replayed the moment we crossed that line over and over in my mind. As the older one, I should have known better. I should have been the one to put the brakes on our growing connection, yet I hadn't.

Now it felt like everything we had built was slipping through my fingers, as fragile as glass. I couldn't help but think that perhaps I'd never find something like what we shared again, that magic we created amidst the chaos of her world. I had opened myself to this beautiful experience, only to watch it crumble into something complicated and uncertain.

I tried to convince myself that it was for the best—that our lives were worlds apart and that maybe everything that had happened since that first concert was just a fleeting dream destined to end. But deep down, I couldn't shake the regret of losing something special. I was grateful for the memories we shared, for the chance to discover parts of myself I never knew existed. Yet the weight of that gratitude was often eclipsed by the sadness of what was lost.

As the days turned into weeks, I kept Billie's message close, turning it over in my mind like a cherished object I couldn't let go of, even as it cut deeper each time I thought of it. I needed to move forward, but letting go of the past proved harder than I anticipated. "But, I really miss you, too."