White Means Hope

Prolouge

Prolouge

With pain, and hurt, etched in my features, I set off to the elevator. I ignored all the glances and gazes I was getting from the people in the office building. This had all started because of them. 

I kept my eyes downcast as I entered the elevator and clicked the ‘main lobby’ button. I waited as the elevator went down 13 stories, it’s soft music playing. With the music playing, and my already dazed state, it made it seem like this whole thing was a dream. No, that’s an understatement. It made it seem as if it where a nightmare. 

I snapped out of my trance as I heard the final ding as the elevator came to a jerking stop. I hesitated before stepping out, and I used my long red hair to an advantage as I let it fall over my face. It was serving as a mask for any prodding people.  

When I reached my run down black truck, I quietly climbed in. I laid my head on the steering wheel as I let my thoughts of the day, the week, consume me. Without a warning, not that any could have been given, everything that had happened in the last couple of years filled my mind.

I starred at her, pain filling my diaphragm. At first I thought it was because of the site, but when she said “Breathe silly” I knew it was because I was holding a breath. I let the air whoosh out of me as I took a couple of deep breathes. She smiled at me, I attempted to smile back. But, truth was, I didn’t want to be their. I didn’t want to be near this creature that was replacing my mother. Her red curls hung down her head as if they didn’t even want to be there as well. 

I knew that I had to be strong, that’s what Daddy was always saying.

“Be strong for her, she needs it the most. If your strong, she will live,” my Dad would say to me before and after visits. “Always pray,” would follow. If he ever caught be crying, he would shake his head in disgust. “No crying” he would say. “That’s not being strong.” 

Secretly, I would cry when he was asleep.

Now, I saw no reason to cry. I knew that this thing that had inhabited my moms hospital bed wasn’t her. It wasn’t the mother that helped me through my first day of school, it wasn’t my mother who liked to try and stay in style. It wasn’t the mother that helped me with my first crush, nor the mother that had helped me when dad decided to give the birds and bee’s talk.

This thing that was there, it was just trying to replace her. I sucked in an angry breath, and downcast my eyes as I waited for the doctor’s to pull me out. 

“Honey,” she breathed out, though her voice was raspy and didn’t sound like the normal melody my mother had. “Be strong,” she said before she started coughing. 

I looked over, and I started to shake my head. I was backing away as she finished coughing, I was going to run out. I had too. I wasn’t going to play along with this ‘things’ plan. What was wrong with it? I just wanted my mother back, my real mother.

“Cupcake?” the thing said, using the nickname my mother loved calling me. I whimpered, it knew exactly what to do. “What are you doing?” it said as it reached out to touch me.

“Don’t touch me!” I exclaimed as I crashed into it’s bedside pan. I stumbled, but regained my balance quickly. It’s eyes glazed over as it tried to reach out and touch me again. “Stop!” I shouted as I turned to flee. After this thing left, my healthy mom would come back. Everything would be ok. I knew it would. I had to trust that it would.

“Wait!” it called to me. I paused and looked back at it. “I love you. Please say strong. I love you more than you could ever know,” it said, it’s compassionate and pain filled voice sounding like my mothers.

Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. That’s what everyone said. Everyone said to be strong and she wouldn’t die, that if I was strong and if I prayed my mother would get better.

“Fuck off and die.” I had replied before I ran out of the room. I ran through the hospital, dodged doctors and patients, didn’t pay attention to my dads calls to me.

The saddest thing was that..

She did exactly what I told her to do.

She died. That night.

After that painful memory had came, I buried my face in my hands and started to cry. As my sobs echoed through the whole car, I let it out. I could never cry in public, or in front of anyone for that matter, so it was good to let it out.

After what seemed like hours, thought it really had been minutes, my tears stopped falling and a numbness took over. I licked my dry lips as I contemplated the thoughts running in my mind. 

A sad wave of determination and hatred coursed through me as I put my key in the ignition and started my car. I sat for another minute, and looked at the faint light of the office building I had exited. Anger built in me just at the sight of my fathers office. I quickly put my car into reverse and backed out of my parking spot. 

I drove for hours, everything blur as I made the car go faster and faster. I suddenly jerked the car to a stop. I looked around, I was completely alone. I had been for the last hour and a half, no one seemed to be out. I pulled my car into the grass, and than backed it up so it was in the middle of the road. I shut my car off, and leaned back. I knew what I was doing, and I knew what would happen. I closed my eyes and waited.

About an hour or so later, I heard the faint sounds of loud music, laughing, and a speeding car, heading my way. I smiled, probably some drunk idiots not knowing what goings to happen. I looked over at the headlights as I saw them get closer and closer. My eyes where being strained by the lights, and I knew I should look away. But I didn’t. It felt surreal looking at my death about to come.

Only a few seconds later, the lights where so closed I was blinded. My numbed state allowed me not to panic as I saw the car only a few feet away.

The sound of the two cars crashing could be heard for a mile or so, the sound of metal meeting metal in a deadly collision was heard and sent nearby neighbors scrambling out of their house. 

It was to late though, the pained girl had gotten the crash she wanted. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did you guys like it? It was kinda melodramtically sad, but half of that is true for me or has happened in my life. The way she killed herself was a close to home way, since that was a way that a dear friend of mine had taken his own life. But he had stabbed himself before the crash, to make sure that he was dead. The only reason I used it was because it's a death that doesn't always ensure that you will die, and I knew that it could be an honor to him.

Cody will be rememebered<3

Thanks for reading though. Please comment! I can't be left hanging here!

-Alyssa