BORN TO KILL

Journal entry 5

That fog is back—the feeling of nothingness brought about by someone else.

People think psychopaths can't form any sort of attachment to others, but that's not true. We get attached in our own way, just like anyone else. People can be selfish, ditch others, and be self-absorbed, and they too don't like investing time into something that's not going anywhere. This week, I invested a lot of time in two guys to see which one I'd be left with, and it turns out neither! One of them is married and utterly terrible in bed; the other is amazing in bed, but now there's this distance after we hooked up so much. The darkness is surfacing because I could have had another ten dudes, but no, I chose him.

I like the guy, and I want him to be mine—mine and mine only! Is it love? I doubt it this early, but I've loved before, and I know I will again.

I need to work on something today to keep me from devouring them both.

Guy 1, let's call him Chris, knows I'm a serial killer. I got way too messed up on coke and alcohol and told him. Well, I told him I'd killed three people, not hundreds. I told him because the drugs and alcohol made me want to eat him—slice parts of him off and eat him. It was brought about by the fact that the motherfucker thought he could lie to me and manipulate me by saying he loved me after a few dates! Ha! Yeah right! You're merely my toy; maybe I would have let you be more, but after that? Nah! Forget it! Now I am karma, and I'm here to destroy you.

Should I kill him? Has he told anyone else? Would anyone miss his dumb face? The kids might, so instead I'll lead him along like a cat chasing a string—conceal how I feel and hollow that fool out!

Am I angry? No. It's like when a dog pisses on your new dress in front of a room full of people—you say "tut, tut" rather than rip the dog's head off. But I definitely want to kill him and eat him.

I took a video of him sleeping; he looked dead because he was so still. Then I deprived him of sleep for the next two nights so he'd be an emotional wreck and use that to say he's being horrible. This will help me get what I want from him this month.

Guy 2? I liked his company and felt like I could be happy with him. He actually asked if I'm a psychopath and sort of figured it out, but for now, I think he's okay and doesn't really know.

I'll update later, but for now, I need to get rid of this energy before it consumes my wins.