The Longest Year of My Life

Part 1: Esperança

I pull out of the driveway and drive through the narrow streets of my hometown of Rabo de Peixe on a small island of São Miguel in the Atlantic Ocean in the Açores islands archipelago. I'm eighteen years old and am the school's star athlete in the boys' category. Most people know me as the quiet guy who keeps to himself. But if you really know me, I'm much more. Like my best friend, and girlfriend, Claudia. The sweetest (and sexiest) woman in the world. She's pretty with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes and an hourglass body shape. And she's the reason I'm driving right now. She asked to meet up at a coffee shop in the city of Ponta Delgada, which isn't too far from Rabo de Peixe. The summer time here is beautiful. I drive on the highway and see farms and the land the cattle graze on and on the old stone walls: hydrangeas grow in bright hues of blue and cream. I get a notification on my phone, from my little sister, Clara.
*Felipe! When do mom and dad get back?* it reads.
*saturday* I reply and focus on driving.
Yes, I may be Portuguese, but I was named for the Spanish king, Felipe.
*But today is Saturday!* she replies.
I pull over to the side of the road and dial her phone number, "next Saturday!" I year into it.
"Oh," she says and hanging up.
I get back on the road and continue to drive. I get to the iconic roundabout and turn on my blinker and turn into the way that says "Ponta Delgada" and turn into the largest city on the island. My mother and father are both dedicated business owners who travel worldwide showing foreign businesses and companies to buy their licenses to ship things overseas to our island. They are never around much, so I basically took care of both me and my little sister, who is now fourteen. So whenever they aren't around, I become the life of the party! They've been gone for about a week now and I haven't talked to them since then. Clara is the favorite out of the two of us and both my mother and father make that very clear. We are spitting images of each other with the same blonde hair and blue eyes with dark eyebrows and I bet if she held back her hair and put on a hat and I put on a hat and went on my knees, we'd be indistinguishable! I don't know why Claudia asked me to go to coffee when we saw each other last night, but I'm not against the idea of seeing her. She's one of the only people who really gets me and knows how to make me happy anymore. It's been three years since we started dating and we haven't had a problem with it nor anyone else. Except my mother who absolutely despises Claudia with a burning passion and won't fear from showing this in public and in front of Claudia. Wherever someone would ask me about Claudia, my mother would run to the person in question and tell them how much of an asshole Claudia is and it's bullshit.
I finally find the coffee shops and park on the side of the road. I get out, close the door and lock my car. I already see Claudia's car and when I enter, I see Claudia fidgeting with her fingers. She sees me, but her face doesn't hold the same happy expression that it usually does. I feel myself give her a confused look and she runs up to me.
She wraps her arms around me and gives me kisses on my check, "you know I love you, right?"
"I know," I smile, "what's wrong?"
She sighs, "we need to talk."
"You're scaring me," I warn.
"I'm not breaking up with you!" She assures me.
"Okay," I nod, "so what is it?"
"You might want to sit down for it," she rubs the back of her neck.
After ordering coffee and taking a seat in the far corner of the shop where no one can hear us, Claudia finally tells me what's going on.
"So, two things. One:" she starts and takes off her hoodie to reveal three small cuts that are parallel to each other on her shoulder.
"Who?" I ask angrily.
"My mother, Felipe!" She scolds me quietly, "sorry," she apologizes, "I'm not in a good mood."
"I get that. What happened?" I ask.
"Just like always," she sighs, "She gets drunk and then decides I'm not a good daughter and gets my also drunk stepfather and he restrains me while she craves little things into my skin," she explains.
"What'd you do?" I ask.
"I called the police and now I don't live there anymore," she says, "I live with a social worker and her family."
"Oh, you can always stay with me," I smile.
"I wouldn't want to be a burden to your family," she says.
"Do the cuts still hurt?" I ask.
"Like hell," she answers.
"What's the other thing?" I ask.
"Okay, I want you to know I love you so much," she says.
"I love you more," I smile.
"Okay, I want you to think really hard about last Friday night, okay?" She says.
"Okay," I nod and think back.
I think back and remember waking up in a bed, without a shirt and next to Claudia, "damn, I don't even know who I was last night," she giggled in a seductive tone, "you just make me feel... good," she said and plants her lips on mine, "was it that good for you too?"
"No way!" I almost scream, "please say your joking,"
"Felipe-"
"Nope!"
"Felipe, I think I'm pregnant!" She says and I feel my face drop.
"Well do you know for sure?" I ask.
She digs into her purse and pulls out 2 pregnancy tests and hands them to me, "I'm gonna need you to read me the instructions, my English isn't good."
"Where'd you get this?" I ask.
"Well I don't want everyone on the island that I need a pregnancy test, so I ordered them off Amazon," she explains.
"You don't know how pregnancy tests work?" I ask.
"Yeah, but I don't know how this one works," she says.
"They're all the same," I say trying to mutter up a fake laugh to hide my nervousness.
"Hey, I get you're scared," she says and reaches her arms around me in a tight embrace and kisses my neck, "I'm horrified. I'm scared you're-"
"I'm not leaving," I assure her and kiss the top of her head, "I'm staying right here."
"Thank you," she sniffles, "what are we going to do?" She cries, "my parents will kick me out and your parents hate both of us."
"I don't know what to do," I say, "what are our options?"
"Not much," she says, "we either find a cheap enough apartment that has all our years of working in the sugar beet farm or we can try to tell our parents."
"I don't like that second one," I say and hold my grip around her tighter.
"Well, they're going to find out somehow," she says.
"Well how are my parents going to find out about my part in this?" I ask.
"Because we've been together for so long and you're the only guy I talk to, so they'll put two and two together," she says.
"What about your social worker?" I ask.
"Being a teen mom doesn't help my case," she says.
"Well, take the test and we'll go from there," I say and release her.
She nods and hands me the tests, "I'm going to need you to translate these."
I nod and follow her into a hallway where the restrooms are. She goes in and I sit outside the door. I sit outside the door with my legs touching the other side of the hallway as I internally pray to myself. What would I do if those tests read yes? I have my senior year and my soccer career/opportunities and everything that normal teens do. Not being parents. Sure senior year is a month until it is over, but I have friends too! For being an introvert, people say I have a lot of friends. I'm so nervous! I love Claudia, but I'm not ready for this! I'm so nervous! I'm so nervous! I feel my heart start to beat rapidly and I begin to overheat.
"I'm ready!" I hear Claudia shout from the other side of the door, snapping me back into reality.
"Sorry," I apologize and look at the little paper. I read through the lines of the paper and it's literally the same thing as a test from Portugal, "it's the same thing as tests here!" I shout back.
"Okay!" She yells back, "then I don't need help!"
"Okay," I say quietly.
I have literally everything in my life to be excited for and one word can shatter everything! I'm mad, mostly at myself. It's my fault and now I'm going to get the consequences for it. I think I was drunk that night; I probably was if I can't remember most of it. I don't even know where it went down. It's hazy, probably like the crap I smoked that night. Alcohol and cigarettes don't make a good combo. I feel stupider than a child right now and I know for a fact that this isn't the lowest I'll be in my lifetime. What was I thinking? Being an idiot and doing crap like that! It's like the health class went down the drain and I forgot that rubber exists. Great job, Felipe, I think, dumbest man on earth. I feel my arm start to shake and hold it close to inspect it. All the hairs on it stand up and little bumps dot the skin. Goosebumps. I've had them a few times before, as I don't get nervous often. All the times before were when I was playing football and we were going to "fail to win" (I like that term better) but then when I scored the goals needed they went away. But now, they feel like they'll never go away. I feel terrible about this. I feel bad for Claudia for her living situation and how I can't help more than offering a place to stay. I feel bad for what we did and having it be her to take on the challenges of life. I want to burn off my skin and get a new set. I want to take shower after shower to wash away the feeling and my sins. I want a new set of lungs after whatever shit I rolled up into a little paper sheet and smoked. And worst of all, I want to go back and prevent that night from ever happening. But one part of me wants to never forget that. The part of me that knows what I want. No matter if I pretend that shit like that never happens, I won't forget it.
"Hey," Claudia says quietly and steps out of the bathroom.
"Hey," I almost whisper.
"Do you want to wait somewhere?" She asks, "this place feels a little weird."
"Yeah," I nod.
"Then where do you want to go?" She asks.
"The lake," I get off the ground and show her a small smile.
She returns the small small and we exit the hallway and see the coffee shop filled with people. We grab our things and we decide to take one car, which is mine. We finally make it out of the city and now it's another small highway until we reach the small city (town, really) of Sete Cidades where the two lakes, Lagoa Azul and Lagoa Verde are. Named for the colors of water, Lagoa Azul sits more northern than Lagoa verde, even though they touch each other, the crater that it sits in only lets the sun shine on one side of the lake, making it blue while the other side is green. I don't remember when we started going there to hang out, but I know it was forever. Before we could drive, which we couldn't before a few months ago, we'd get dropped off at the top and sit on the benches that overlooked the crater and talked for hours at a time. I continue to drive and see cows and bright, large flowers that grow up the sides of old rock walls.
Claudia rolls down her window and takes a breath of fresh air as her hair blows lightly, "feels nice," she smiles, "you know?" I don't answer, partly because I'm too focused on driving but I notice her frown, "oh."
"What?" I ask annoyed.
"Nothing," she says, "nothing."
"It's not nothing," I say, "what is it?"
"I'm just confused," she says, "with all of this."
"How? It's straightforward," I say.
"No," she scoffs, "do you think you're the only one who's having a bad time about this? I have this pretty funny thing called "opportunities" and being a teen mom won't help with said "opportunities". It's bad enough that my mother and stepfather abuse me for no reason whatsoever and this is giving them another reason. I didn't want to learn English, they cut me. I wanted to go to the mainland to become a chef, they cut me. I rather have parents who are disappointed in me, but don't abuse me than have an abusive relationship with them."
I don't say anything.
"Those two tests that sit on the dashboard are going to determine my life trajectory and you're the one complaining? Will you carry the child? No! Do you have to move houses each month to live with your social worker? No! Both my father and older brother killed themselves and it looks like I'm on the same path."
"Don't say that," I say, "that's not funny."
"Well, I'm not trying to," she scoffs, "it's hard enough that I have to live like that, and now this adds to the stress."
"Well you could... not have it," I suggest.
"I'm not doing that- that's unethical and unfair for whatever is in me," she says.
"Well I don't have any other ideas than that," I shrug.
"Ideas?" She scoffs, "this isn't a matter of ideas or no ideas, it's the fact that we made that mistake."
"Mistake?" I get to scoff now, "we-"
"Be quiet, Felipe!" She scolds with a sad tone, "we sinned and now we're going to pay for it. You're right: ideas are what we need." I remain quiet, "we're Catholics, Felipe, and we went against the teachings of the church."
"So the most concerning matter to you right now is the church?" I scoff.
"Felipe!" She scolds, "god!"
"I'm glad to know you're putting god before people and your life," I mutter.
"Excuse me?" She asks angrily, "at least I'm not worried about my career in sports."
"Those are my life opportunities-"
"Here it comes," she cuts me off, "'I was offered a position to play for the national team''' and i'm glad to know you put sports before other people."
"You know that's not true," I scold, "I don't understand why you don't think before you speak."
"I don't understand why you don't think before you have-"
"Woah woah woah," I cut her off quickly, "you agree and we did it-"
"But I told you-" she cuts me off but I cut her off.
"Yeah I know what you said," I roll my eyes.
"Then why didn't you do it?" She asks.
"I don't know," I say.
"How come?" She asks.
"I don't know," I says.
"Really? 'Cause you had health class, right?" She asks and the pressure builds up.
"I don't know!" I yell.
She shuts up and just stares at me before she sighs, "I'm sorry," she apologizes, "I shouldn't have gone there."
"No, you're fine," I say.
We remain quiet for the rest of the ride until we reach the highest point of the crater where a viewing point is and an abandoned hotel. We park and get out of the car and sit in one of the benches with the two tests that sit in between us. The dark green foliage paints the most beautiful view in the world and the light blue sky has little clouds in it, but if there is one, it's a soft white cloud that moves slowly through the air. I check the time on my phone. three minutes left until another pain attack hits me. It's not going to say no and I know it!
Claudia rests her head on my shoulder, "I'm sorry," she says for no reason.
"Why?" I ask.
"Because I know it's going to say I am," she says.
"We don't know that for sure," I lie.
"Really? After a whole night of doing it?" She asks.
"You're right," I sigh.
"That's why I'm sorry," she says.
"Because you're right," I say and add a little laugh.
"Yeah," she says.
"I'm sorry too," I say, "I should of listen to you instead of-"
"Of what?" She asks and then realizes it, "you are such a child, Felipe," she rolls her eyes.
"And an idiot," I add.
"You're not an idiot," she says.
"Yeah I am, and you're in love with an idiot!" I laugh.
She just rolls her eyes and sighs. I kiss the top of her head and for a second, all of the worries go away. The birds chirp and I get a notification on my phone. My mother. All of the worries come back as I hold my phone up to my ear.
"What?" I ask in a polite way.
"You don't talk to me that way!" She scolds.
"Sorry," I apologize, "what is it that you ask of me?"
"Felipe!" She scolds.
"Yes mommy?" I almost laugh. If you can't tell, pissing my mother is a hobby of mine.
"I called to tell you that our flight was delayed until two weeks from now," she says.
"So you're saying that you and father are going on vacation to Miami again and are staying for a week, got it," I say.
"Just tell your sister," she scoffs.
"Why can't you do it?" I ask, "she has a phone," I scoff.
"Felipe," she scolds.
"Fine," I scoff and hang up.
"Let me guess, your mother?" Claudia laughs.
"How'd you know?" I laugh.
"Well I knew it before you even answered, I saw you were getting a call from "my parole officer"' she laughs, "and you mocked her name about three times."
"You know me so well, unlike my parole officer," I laugh.
"Let me guess what your father's contact is: worst man on earth?" She laughs.
"No, it's: number one wine consumer," I smile.
"Wow, you're so kind to them," she smiles sarcastically.
"I am, just the nicest," I smile.
"How much longer on the tests?" She asks.
I look at my phone, "20 seconds," I say.
"You ready?" She asks.
"Never will be, but here we go," I sigh.
We each take one of the tests and when the timer goes off, we bring them up to our faces and watch as one line slowly appears.
"How many lines means what?" She asks.
"Two, I think, means you are," I say, "I only see one."
"Me too," she says, "but my isn't done forming yet."
"Mine isn't done too," I say.
"Then I guess it's not done yet?" She asks.
"I don't know," I say and whisper a prayer to myself quickly.
"Wait!" She yells and goes back to her laser focus on the test, "my line is done! Felipe! I'm-"
She stops.
"What?" I ask, "what is it?"
She looks up at me and tears fill her eyes as the happy expression extricates from her face and becomes an expression of shock, "Felipe," she says and holds the test up to me. I look at the test that she holds up and two little, red lines are on the test, basically flipping me off by just existing. I look at the one I hold and look closer. The same thing: two little red lines. Shit!
She starts to have a full on panic attack of hyperventilating and crying as she carefully wraps her arms around me. I pat her back and rub her hand with my thumb. The bird chirps are drowned out by the sound of her cries and now my mind is racing on what to do. For some reason unknown to me, I feel calmer than before. Like this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I stand up and Claudia does the same but without breaking our embrace.
"It's okay, it's okay," I say quietly as she continues to cry.
"I have nowhere to go, Felipe," she sobs.
"Then stay with me," I say, "my parents will be gone for two more weeks, that'll be enough time-"
"No it's not," she interrupts.
"Then if they don't let you stay, I sell my car and pay for a cheap apartment," I say with hope in my tone.
"That won't be enough for even the cheapest apartment in the world, Felipe," she sobs.
"But for now, you can stay with me," I say.
"I'm sorry," she nearly whispers.
"Don't be," I say, "it'll be okay,"
She doesn't say anything, just cries. Each day she wakes up is another day of having to survive in a world of pain where everyone fends for themselves. I don't know how to tell my parents, let alone my sister, but I'm going to be by Claudia's side now and forever. What other choices do I have? I can't leave her to be by herself, I love her. I can't let her stay with her social worker and have to remember that her family sucks. I don't know how to be a parent, but I'll try my best. I break our hug but still hold onto her hands.
"You wanna go home?" I ask.
She nods.
"Okay," I say and we walk back to my car.
We get in and she reclines her seat all the way back and then sighs, "Look at us," she sighs, "we are not even in college yet and we're going be parents. We are going to hell."
"We aren't going to hell," I say.
"You don't know that," she sighs.
"How do you know we are going to hell?" I contradict.
"Because we sinned," she answers.
"Just because we sinned once doesn't mean we're going to hell," I say.
"We did the unholiest of sins, Felipe," she says.
"No," I almost laugh, "we didn't kill anyone."
"Yeah because doing the opposite before marriage is okay," she scoffs.
"At least we didn't kill anyone," I sigh.
"We made someone," she says.
I think for a moment, "well you aren't wrong."
"Never am," She laughs.
"Don't believe that, but okay," I laugh, "You wanna get back to my house?"
"Yeah," She answers, "But what are we going to do when your parents come back?"
"I haven't thought about that yet," I say and think, "I could hide you in my room. Or I can set up a bed in the pool shed."
"Great idea," She says sarcastically and raises an eyebrow.
"It is!" I scold, "We never go into the pool shed and I can move the stuff inside of it to the actual shed. We have an extra mattress lying around and I can add insulation and a floor so the bugs don't get it."
"And you can get this done within two weeks?" She laughs.
"Okay, maybe not," I rub the back of my neck as she adjusts her seat so it is back to normal.
"How about we tell our parents, and maybe, if we say a prayer," It's going to take a lot more than a prayer, sweetheart, "They show some support." She finishes.
"My parents will kill me!" I scold.
"Maybe, if they know you're not just going to run away from it and leave me, they'll show some sympathy," She says.
"I've never heard the word sympathy and my parents associated in the same sentence. Ask Clara, she'll say the same," I say seriously.
"Babies have a powerful effect over grandparents," She says.
"Even when I was born my parents had better things to do than take care of a newborn," I say.
"That sucks," She laughs, "My parents had the two loudest twins on planet earth so we were all they could think about."
"I always forget that you and Angelo are twins," I laugh.
"How?" She laughs, "We only look nothing alike!"
Her brother Angelo and her like nothing alike. He is tall, she is short. She has blonde hair, he has brown hair. She has blue eyes, he has brown. Nothing alike.
"That's why," I answer.
"Well maybe a grandkid will have a powerful effect on them," she sounds hopeful.
"I doubt that, but okay," I smile and turn on the car.
"We don't know that," She says.
"But you know that we're going to hell?" I laugh.
"No!" She groans.
"It's not that I don't know that they won't help, it's that it's very doubtful," I say and pull out of the parking lot and start to drive.
"That's no way to think about it," She says.
"It's the true way to think about it," I laugh.
"I have stuff to pick up from my house," She changes the topic.
"Do you want me to go with you?" I ask.
"No, I'll be okay," She says, "I think they're not home."
"How long have you been away from them?" I ask.
"I think a few weeks, nothing major," She explains.
"A few weeks? That's a long time to be away," I say, "Have you been staying at your social worker's house all that time?"
"No, for the first few days after I ran away I stayed in my dorm at secondary school before I called my social worker,' She explains, "I feel weak by having a social worker."
"That's not a thing to make you feel weak," I say, "That's something that is made to make you feel safe. There's no shame in having one and you did live in an abusive household."
"But it makes me feel like I can't take care of myself when I am perfectly able to do so," she complains.
"I don't understand why you're being so stubborn," I say, "And with your current situation, I wouldn't leave you by yourself."
"I'll be fine," She says.
"Really?" I laugh, "Last week you called me because you locked yourself out of your car."
"Driving is hard, so cut me some slack," She says.
"You weren't going anywhere," I laugh.
"I was at school and needed help," She scolds.
"And where were you going?" I ask, knowing the answer.
"The mall," She groans.
"The mall and secondary school are not even a mile apart," I laugh.
"Well I had to pick up a lot of stuff and I didn't want to walk back all the way with all the stuff," She says.
"And what was this stuff?" I ask, knowing the answer.
"Your birthday gift," She lies.
"My birthday is in september, it's a little early," I laugh.
"Fine, clothes and I went to the Black Cat," She groans. For those who don't know, the Black Cat is the largest Portuguese home decor store in the nation, basically, Claudia's version of heaven.
"I took you to the black cat not even five days before you locked yourself out," I laugh.
"But you said window shopping and-"
"I let you get some things," I cut her off.
"But not the Black Cat special," she says.
"You better not have bought that!" I scold.
"I did," She says with a smug look, "And I put it in my dorm."
The black cat special is a giant cat tower that is worth more than my life and can probably fit all the cats in the world on it comfortably. Worth a fortune!
"How did you put it in your dorm? And pets aren't allowed on campus," I scold.
"Rules don't stop me," she laughs sinisterly.
"So the all holy Claudia who follows the teaches of Christ disobeyed a rule, unheard of," I laugh.
"Oh hush," she scolds, "so I let my cat live with me, what's the harm?"
"You still have that old lady?" I ask.
"Milkshake's gonna live forever, I swear." She says.
Claudia's small, little brown, short-haired cat gained her name after the color of her fur looking like a chocolate milkshake. Milkshake was Claudia's first English word, and only one I think.
"How old is she now?" I ask.
"16 years and counting," Claudia answers with passion.
"Damn, she probably shook hands with Jesus," I laugh.
"Don't say that word and probably," she scolds.
"After all of these years, you won't let me swear?" I ask.
"It's not that I don't let you, it's bad," she answers, "I never swear."
"Really?" I ask, "even after that night?"
"Give me a break-" she scoffs.
"Swear words in other languages count too," I add.
"Buttface," she sticks her tongue out.
I fake gasp dramatically, "how dare Claudia call me a not nice word!"
"You truly are a child," she rolls her eyes.
I pay attention to the road again and notice that we are almost back at the coffee shop that we were at earlier.
"So where are you going when I drop you off?" I ask.
"First my dorm to get my cat and my computer, then to my house to get some clothes," she explains.
"And you know for a fact that they aren't home?" I ask.
"Jezz, I know what I'm going," she says, "I've lived through raids before."
"It was one time!" I scold.
"For a party"' he said, '"it'd be fun"' he said" she mocks.
"Okay, I offered alcohol and then the cops showed up," I groan.
"And you made me answer the door!" She scolds, "I know what I'm doing!"
"Fine, fine," I say and unlock the car.
I kiss her goodbye and she leaves and I make sure she gets into her car before I leave. Oh yay. Now I have to go home.