Diary of a broken teen

1. My queer desires

Being queer in a religious family is hell; literally--growing up I knew I was different from other guys; as they would talk about the girls they were sleeping with or wanted to sleep with, my heart sunk. I didn't really care about sleeping with them. Was i that different?. i started fancing boys at a young age sexually since I was around the age of 12 to be exact. but I never got the opportunity to date one until around 4 years later

Most of my life I grew up with females; so I know a few things about them. they are all I had growing up. However my dad was in my life but for some strange reason I couldn't be around him due to my grieving fear that pierced my hard around him. it felt as if he was the most well known stranger in my life, as much as it pains me to say that. I wanted him to know that I was queer, therefore being queer had been a deep part of my identity. But he made it clear that If I was in fact queer, he would disown me, mainly due to our culture, as it would be an abomination if a straight man who had a son that didn't like strictly girls. as they could have a lot of different fates such as:

*Death- they could either shoot and kill you, as this way would be better than having their child liking the same gender. therefore this way out would cost your family less shame and less heavy judgement, as killing you would ease their mind and thoughts and their beliefs that all gay men should be dead or left for dead.

Disowning\ cutting you off- if death didn't work the only logical option would be kicking you out of the house (if you still live with them) or kicking you out of the family in many ways, it would be better If I didn't tell them for a while.

I've been called a fag many times in primary, high school and at home; as me being myself would be led to that conclusion; even though that conclusion isn't entirely wrong. it's just they are saying it to hurt me, thus making it hard to make friends that are male. as i'd remember the times those boys bullied me because I was different, thus making me wanted to be like them to stop the bullying.

I have a naturally high voice, many think i'm lying, whenever they hear me use a deepish voice they think its my real one, is it? FUCK NO?. I've tried masking my voice but it wouldn't be completely deep do I hate it? FUCK YEAH?.

I like boys, I like everything about them, their body and muscles, their packages and a lot of figures, boys are all i could think about. sometimes I wonder if I am destined to marry a guy. this hatred for myself needs to stop, I need to accept myself for who I am instead of who I need to be. Trauma defeated.