MELANCHOLIE

last love letter

i told you i love you.
i love you.
i meant it.
i love you.
i regret it.
i love you.
i was serious.
i love you.
you wanted to see my scars.
i love you.
i distanced myself.
i love you.
i hate that i wasted
my first love on you.
i love you.
i hate my love for you.
i love you.
it was a breakup.
i love you.
we were kids.
i love you.
we grew up too fast.
i love you.
you loved me.
i love you.
your hugs were the
only place i felt save.
i love you.
i want your hugs back.
i love you.
your eyes were the ocean.
i love you.
i want your gaze back.
i love you.
i'm tired.
i love you.
cuts open.
i love you.
i am in love with you.
i love you.
i don't even know you anymore.
i love you.
i lost myself.
i love you.
it's pathetic.
i love you.
i hate you.
i love you.
i hate me.
i love you.
i need a new start.
i ..
who am i?!
love..
i know me.
you?

i loved you.

and i hate what it did to us.
i hope you see these lines, think of that time when you tried to pull my sleeve up. in your room. the 13th november 2021 or 2022. when i was a walking cut, a spill of blood. my soul nothing but a rotten piece of grief.
the time i refused, when shame came and never left me. i hope you see this and think i'm cruel for reminding you. i hope you hate me.
i might be a bad person, another soul, trying to save itself. i'm a egoist. i always were and you knew that.
i refused.
i didn't want to fall in love but i did, when i asked you why we weren't together, you simply said it would i would ruin our friendship. it did.
I fell in love and never fell out of it. not for the sunboy, not for the girl i met on the train, not for the boy that made me dizzy and not for the girl i wanted to kiss when i first saw her. not even for the person i made up to forget about you.
my love belonged to you. i wanted to hug you. to kiss you.
oh, i'm so embarrassed.
we were nothing but kids, we were nothing. and maybe we were, but are feelings less real just because you can't explain or name them?
i try to convince myself that i didn't like you that way. i scream at me, try to tear that scar out of my heart.
why am i still so in love?
why can't i just forget about you?
why did i have love you so deep?
why did you pull up my sleeve?
why do i keep that photo of us in my phone case?
why?
why why why why?

im starting to think i made up my love.
that i made up our relationship. that you never existed.
i deleted you. every single picture i had, your old phone number, the chats, the text i wrote in my note app, your socials. i deleted you.

and my only question: would we've work out if we met and loved later in life? or are we destined to think of each other with nothing but regret? are we really nothing more than two collapsing souls, destroying what's left of us?

         i               don't           know         what         to              feel.      

am i even allowed to think of you?