Emilys sentiment

New girl who moved into dead girls house

September 5th 2010

Emilys pov:

Yesterday was Alis funeral, i never really understood when people talked about 'out of body experiences', My mom is always very clear that if a person cares about how the world perceives them then they do not go out of their way to ' vocalise their radical hippie ideas' (and by that she meant anything that challenges normality) so i never even dared to explore anything outside what I was permitted to. However now i understand. When i sat there staring at her casket, ornamented with roses (her favourite flowers), and her picture standing tall in the centre of the church i understand. My mouth was dry and i could feel my brain pulsing..no... throbbing. That's all i could feel. I didnt even cry, how terrible i must have looked, but i had no energy left to cry. I cried for her for months, all i did was cry. But as i stared at her picture I couldn't feel anything, anything except that strong relentless pulse throbbing in my head, blurring everything around me. I must have had 17 people come and ask me if im okay, but they seemed so far when they spoke, as if i was in a fish bowl and they were tapping at the glass begging for my attention.
That picture of Ali was taken at the kissing rock in the summer last year. That day Ali told me how much she loved me and insisted we marked the moment, right under the jagged edge of the rock she wrote 'A+E' big and bold in a heart. She was nothing if not romantic, of course only when it benefited her. Her hair flowed over her shoulders and her gorgeous eyelashes curled perfectly, highlighting those eyes, oh my god those eyes, when i met them it seemed like everything else dissipated into a void of nothingness and all that was left was this incredibly powerful force keeping me staring into them.
As the pastor conducted the memorial sermon all i could do was stare at that picture. It felt so surreal, how can she be dead when she was alive, how does that happen? One moment im touching her, looking into her eyes, listening to her gentle laugh, being strung continuously by her sweet sweet words, or crying over her malicious ones, and now she's just...dead? She will never speak again, laugh again, and her eyes will never be able to meet mine, not even one last time.

I put all my effort into swimming practice the next day, I love the way it makes me feel, it's like my brain turns off and i can finally relax.

Except i cant.

Ben: Hey em, looking good

I give him an awkward smile, i like him and everything but I've just been out of it lately

Ben: you know, I've been feeling stressed lately, how about you help me out, starting by taking that swimsuit off

He tried to pull me in, i flinch and move back

Ben : what the fuck em? What's up with you lately it's like youre pushing me away?

Emily: Nothing ben, i just have a lot on my mind, ok?

I quickly grab my things and leave, thank god, I couldn't have got out of there faster. What a pig.

As im walking home i pass by Alison's house, its not actually on my way home but its become a force of habit to pass by and stare into the top right window and just think... think of all the memories, good and bad, and think of Alison. I usually wave to Mrs DiLaurentis but today she wasn't there. I stop in my tracks as i look at the pavement ahead, which is covered in a plethora of cardboard boxes of all shapes and sizes, some look beaten up and i peek into it and notice a picture frame of Alison's, i know its hers because she got it in cape may 2 summers ago and i have one thats identical, i still have a picture of us in it on my nightstand.

Maya: Hi im maya, Maya St.Germain

My head jolts to the side and this girl comes striding towards me waving, she has big beautiful bouncy curls and a friendly wide smile