Facts

Fact 1

I feel so lost with myself right now I don't know how to explain without sounding pathetic and stupid. I just feel like all I do or try is useless,I always see the people around me doing much better than me without making any effort and it makes me crazy. Why can't I do the things good? Sometimes even at random moments I want to disappear so badly because I feel so ugly and stupid so much and I have this feeling for now 4 years if I count this one yes,in this generation,you just need to be pretty and smart. And guess what? I'm either. I'm not pretty or smart. I feel so bad with that right now so I try to distract myself with anything. I'm writing so much more now and I keep reading and it passes my time in a good way. In the moment I'm writing this,I won't lie about this. Maybe if some friends of mine will be sad to read that but it's my thoughts and I want to expose it. There are only two friends of mine that I consider like my real friend, I don't think saying their name is a good idea I don't want them to get problems because of me. My other friends always change with me, sometimes I feel like they are so kind to me but sometimes I think they are the worst version of themselves with me. Sometimes I want to talk to someone about all those things because I just can't take anymore no gonna lie but it feels stupid and I don't think even my real friends will accept or I don't know how to explain but I don't think they will accept this. I hate school so much but it distracts me all the day at least I guess. When I'm back home I basically just play,write or play with my Winnie to some games like we used to do before and it's cool. often only on the night I read because the day is not very adapted to my book..Like imagine reading a scene of a murder crime when the sun shines..It sounds not bad like that LOL but at the night it's more mysterious and scarier (interesting too). Sometimes I feel like writing is my life reason,it helps me to keep my mind clean for a moment. That's why I can't stop writing because I feel bad when I don't it's like the feeling of being in a blocked tiny room without anything to do or could do is just impossible and it stresses me so much damn. Sometimes I feel like I don't care about being pretty,but we can't deny it helps, of course. But when you are not you are just not. I want to be smart. I have a friend of mine that I hate so much. She is always there for me and a good friend but bro I'm so jealous of her she is so smart and pretty without doing any efforts like just naturally. I asked myself so many times why can't I be like her. And plus she is kind and patient, really perfect finally uh. I am not patient,not smart,not pretty,and a lot of people used to tell me that I am mean for no reason so I don't know what to think now. I'm tired of comparing myself to the others. I feel like every time I compare myself I'm like "oh she is just better anyway". Now I don't know what to do. Is distracting myself at the maximum I can for not losing my mind with all those things is a good idea? I feel so useless tho like I said,and I feel like a bad friend. But maybe I am i don't know because I don't have any opinions of anyone in this fucking earth. I have a "friend" in my class but I don't really like her. She is so annoying and I don't understand her. At the same time I don't want to be alone like I was before. So now I prepare myself to be alone if anything could happen again. I don't understand her at all because of so many reasons. She just told me she was sad because she broke up with her ex and the next day she told me she met a fantastic guy and she will think about being with him while they know each other for only 5mins like sorry girl but you don't like him anymore if you want to already be with someone else. I think about a girl that is still my friend by the way,she was with a guy only because she wanted to feel loved and getting attention, maybe this friend I talked to is like her right now and just wants to feel loved at the end. For myself,I don't want anyone like me,I'm so scared of ruining everything because I basically hurt them. Feeling loved is good if you find yourself pretty.
Having the idea of someone who likes you is good if you are smart.
I don't need anything and I feel so bad because I'm lost with myself I just want to disappear so bad. I feel like my friends right now I will lose all of them in a moment. Some years ago I was really alone and I hated it so much. now I think I will be good at first but if I stay too much alone I will hate myself even more than rn. Staying alone is good for some things sometimes, like you don't care about the others views or anything like that, you really really only care about YOU. and sometimes it helps but you can't decide to be alone and get your friends when you want again. I don't want to be alone but sometimes I just want to be alone for a short short moment so my mind can heal. I still don't know if I made a good choice? Should I distance myself to everyone to heal myself or the opposite?