summer has always been the hardest - johnny suh

3

I'm staring at my reflection in the mirror, adjusting the straps on my outfit for the hundredth time. My first dance performance is tonight, and I have a solo. I should feel excited, but instead, my stomach is twisting into knots. I keep reminding myself that I've been practicing for weeks—that I've been waiting for this moment for what feels like my whole life—but none of that helps.

The garage is quieter than usual as I stretch. Liam hasn't barged in yet, ranting about how I've taken over his "sanctuary" or something equally minuscule. I know it's only a matter of time before he shows up, finds something to criticize, and we get into another shouting match. We always do.

I bend forward, reaching for my toes, trying to push the thoughts out of my head. Dance has always been my escape. Ever since I was little, it was the one thing that let me forget about everything else—the arguments with Liam, losing both of my parents— Dancing is the only time I don't have to think about any of it.

I glance at the clock. There's still time before I have to leave for the performance. I take a deep breath and stand up, rolling my shoulders back. I need to focus. This is my moment.

The house feels too quiet as I walk back inside to grab my things. Liam is usually around, but today he's been in his room all afternoon. We haven't talked since last night's argument—something about me spending too much time dancing and not enough time "planning for real life." He means well, I guess. He's had to grow up faster than he wanted, and sometimes I think he resents me for not having to do the same. But I can't help it. Dance is my "real life," and he doesn't get that.

I toss my bag over my shoulder, heading for the door when Liam's voice stops me. "You leaving already?"

I turn, seeing him standing in the hallway, arms crossed. "Yeah, I've got to get to the school early."

His eyes flicker toward my bag and then back to me. "You ready?"

I nod, though the truth is, I'm terrified. But I won't let him see that.

Liam just stares at me for a second, his expression unreadable. "You know, Dad would've been proud of you. Mom too, probably." His voice is stiff, like he can't bring himself to sound too encouraging.

For a moment, my throat tightens. It's rare for Liam to bring up Dad, or Mom for that matter. I don't know what to say, so I just nod again and head for the door. "See you after," I mutter before slipping outside.

The walk to school feels longer than usual. Maybe it's the weight of the evening pressing down on me, or maybe it's the way the sky looks darker than it should. I put my headphones in, trying to drown out the nerves bubbling up in my chest with music. But even my favorite playlist doesn't seem to help.

I pull my jacket tighter around myself and keep walking. The studio is waiting. My team is waiting. And for once, I'm doing something for me. Not for Liam, or Dad, or even the memory of my mom—I'm doing this because dance is the only thing that's ever made sense.

When I get to the school, I head straight for the dressing room. The other girls are already buzzing with energy, chatting about their routines, adjusting their makeup, checking their phones. I take a deep breath and focus on warming up, stretching my legs and arms in smooth motions. My body knows what to do, even if my mind feels like a mess.

"Solana," Umina, our captain, calls out as she walks by, clipboard in hand. "You good?"I nod, giving her a tight smile. "Yeah, I'm good."

She smiles back, her energy so steady it almost calms me. "You'll kill it out there. Just breathe."

I close my eyes, centering myself. The music will start soon. The lights will come up. And when they do, I'll let go of everything else and just be in that moment, on that stage. It's the one place I feel free.