Wood & Iron

Chapter 14

Oh no.

The moment her finger hit the little blue button to send the text, Alex noticed the photo at the top of the screen.

Alex hated adding a person's contact to her iPhone without a photo of them. She'd often scour Facebook or LinkedIn just to replace the initials that sat in the little circle on the top of a text thread. The type-A-ness (as they lovingly referred to it around the fire pit) went a step further than that. If she considered you a friend, Alex made sure she had a photo with you, rather than just of you.

So right after she'd typed those 22 damning words and hit send, she was mortified to see the picture of her and Liv in that little circle at the top of her screen.

I know we've said this before, but for real, that has to be the last time. I think Adam knows about us.

"Shit, shit, shit." She said out loud to herself as she stared at the phone. Her head began swimming. Oh no. She could feel the sweat forming at the small of her back. Not this again. She couldn't get the breath necessary to slow down the pounding in her chest. Oh god.

Alex closed her eyes, and it was as if she were transported back to that locked bedroom during her senior year. She searched the recesses of her mind for anything that might bring relief, a habit or a ritual that might make the drowning sensation disappear.

If anyone else were in the room with her, they likely wouldn't suspect a thing. Perhaps they would wonder about the closed eyes or the slight shine of perspiration on her forehead. But otherwise, there was nothing out of place. She just stood there quietly. But inside, it felt like waves were crashing faster than she could swim, and she couldn't catch her breath.

60 seconds.

It was a routine she'd learned from one of the books her mom had brought home during the spell in 12th grade. Give yourself 60 seconds to feel everything. Then make a statement, and get on with your day.

1... 2... 3...

The crash intensified inside her, and she had to remind herself that she wasn't physically drowning.

29... 30... 31...

Her body responded to the sweating with chills, triggering every panic sensor inside her.

58... 59... ok.

Alex opened her eyes, took a deep breath, and repeated the words she'd read 15 years before. "You're going to be ok. Now take care of what's in your control."

She wiped the sweat from her forehead and unlocked her phone. God, how she wished she could undo what she'd done. She'd sent many incriminating texts over the past few months, and she'd learned to delete them from her phone right after they were marked Delivered. It had almost become habit to press her thumb over the implicating words and hit the little trash can in the corner of the screen.

When she pressed her thumb on the text she'd accidentally sent to Liv, there was an option she hadn't noticed before: Undo Send.

The iPhone made a poof as the words disappeared from the thread.

Oh my god. Could it really be that easy?

Moments before, Alex was sure she'd inadvertently shared her darkest secret. And though she hadn't thought through the implications entirely, she always knew that this coming to light meant the end of some of the most important things in her life.

But now, she'd made it go away. That was a close one. She'd learned her lesson, and she was resolved to make the words of that text true: that has to be the last time.

Alex was able to enjoy about 90 seconds of that relief before the second-guessing began to flood her mind. What if Liv saw the text before I made it go away?

Without thinking, she dialed Liv's number. It wasn't until the phone was ringing that she considered what might happen on this call. Her hope was that Liv knew nothing and that she could play it off as a normal conversation. But what if she had seen it? How in the world would Alex explain herself? Would she beg her not to tell anyone? Would she come clean completely?

Alex's heart skipped a beat when the line picked up.

"Hey, this is Liv. I'm probably riding right now, so leave me a message, and I'll get back to you."

Alex closed her eyes and exhaled in relief.

"Hey, Liv." She paused and considered hanging up right then. "Just... checking in." She felt the panic beginning to kick in. Now take care of what's in your control. "Um... heading to the store before the fire pit tonight, and wondered if you wanted me to pick up any of those seltzers you like. Just let me know."

She ended the call and set the phone down on the kitchen counter. She'd barely moved since she hit send on that text, but she was physically exhausted. Why did I even send that in the first place? She thought of the advice her dad had given her when she was in high school... advice that she'd rolled her eyes at when he'd initially given it. "Never do over the phone what needs to be done in person." If she'd followed her father's advice, she wouldn't have unintentionally confessed to her sister-in-law.

Why did I think that text was a good idea? She thought back to this morning, to her resolve while standing at the espresso machine. "I think Adam knows."

Why couldn't she have just said the words out loud? There was no way of accidentally saying those four words to the wrong person if she said them in person.

If she'd just had the nerve to say them while she was making his mocha, she wouldn't be in this mess.

Or maybe she could've said them right after they kissed... while his hands explored her body and his breath was on her neck.

Or she could've even waited until 25 minutes later, when they were putting their clothes back on in silence, sitting at the end of the bed that was supposed to be reserved for her marriage.

But instead, she just kissed him again and watched him walk toward the door.

"Hey," he said, turning around and smiling at her. "I'm gonna miss you all day."

She could've told him then. "I think Adam knows."

But instead, she walked over, getting closer until their lips almost touched. "You'll be ok. It's only eight hours until the fire pit."